Wendy’s Friend

(A young woman is in the great room talking on a cellphone. She is WENDY’S FRIEND, an undocumented immigrant maid. American maids do not usually wear uniforms, but there should be a suggestion in her dress of some sort of “regularity”—perhaps a white blouse, short, dark skirt, and low heels. WENDY’s dress should be similar since they both live and work in the same wealthy neighborhood.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Of course I told him, Wendy. You have to do that. He asked me one day, “What was it you did in that place—that country from which you’ve come?” “Munitions,” I told him, “mostly procurement. It tends to be women’s work there.” He asked me why and what else could I say? “Most of our junior executives are dead,” I told him.

(Slight pause)

Was he shocked? About what? Oh—when I said munitions? He might be shocked if a bomb went off under him. Short of that, though, he’s quite reserved.

(Slight pause)

You called me , Wendy. What did you want?

(Slight pause)

Oh no. Again? Yes, of course you can come over. Only his daughter. She’s here now but she’ll be leaving soon, and Mr. Longfellow doesn’t mind. He might be walking around naked, though. He does that, but the doors have special locks and I have the key—just to keep him inside. He walked all the way to town naked yesterday and we found him at the train station waiting to take the train to work.

(Slight pause)

If I can help, I will. You can’t keep letting her do this, Wendy.

(End of call. As WENDY’S FRIEND resumes some light cleaning, MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER enters through the double doors stage left.)

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER He is not to go outside. Do we understand that? And for heaven’s sakes would you see to it that he remains dressed? I almost had to call our attorney yesterday afternoon and that must not happen again.

WENDY’S FRIEND I don’t think he meant any harm, ma’am.

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER Which isn’t the point now, is it? You must understand Mr. Longfellow is only retired. He is not dead. Friends come by, unannounced, as you well know, and his face still appears in the advertisements. His image still powers large schemes and fuels substantial investments. You can manage his confusions, dear, or you can find yourself picking turnips in some fucking field down south.

WENDY’S FRIEND The property, though, this place—it is so big and he takes great joy in visiting his pond with all the birds, ducks and gooses—

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER Geese.

(Exasperated)

Jesus Christ.

WENDY’S FRIEND I’m sorry.

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER Do I sound as though I’m seeking a consensus?

WENDY’S FRIEND I’m not sure what that—

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER Look. His spirit is large, his heart is generous, and he is a kind man. It’s only his thoughts that betray him now and then, so we have to think his thoughts for him. Quite honestly, I don’t care if the dust in here grows to be a foot thick—just do what’s best for my father.

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, ma’am.

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER And don’t worry about his daughter.

WENDY’S FRIEND His daughter? But that’s—

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER She can be a bitch, but she trusts you.

WENDY’S FRIEND (Looking confused) This way of speaking. I’m not sure I—

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER I’ll be in London on business for a few weeks.

(As MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER opens the door to leave, she finds WENDY standing there. She looks back to WENDY’S FRIEND.)

Some business?

WENDY’S FRIEND I’ll take care of it. I hope you have a sympathetic trip.

MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER Oh my. Of course you do. Good-bye.

(As MR. LONGFELLOW’S DAUGHTER leaves, WENDY enters and she and her friend share a long embrace.)

WENDY’S FRIEND You have time off? She gave you time off for a visit?

WENDY I don’t think you’d believe it if I said she did.

WENDY’S FRIEND Probably not.

WENDY She knows about you—I mean, that we come from the same country. So when I told her I was having trouble with my monthly and that you might be able to help she just said, “Oh, please”—you know how they do that—and whooshed me away with her hands.

WENDY’S FRIEND Whooshed?

WENDY Whooshed.

(Gesturing)

Like this.

WENDY’S FRIEND But you lied to her, Wendy?

(WENDY turns from her friend and raises her skirt slightly to show a bruise on her leg. As her friend bends down to look closer, she raises her skirt higher to reveal a large bruise on the back of her thigh, near her buttock.)

WENDY Maybe this is more like a true thing. Truly enough deserved. I know that, but—

WENDY’S FRIEND Deserved? You deserve this?

WENDY For my failings, of course.

WENDY’S FRIEND So it’s your fault, then—this beating?

WENDY I have a lot of ambitions. You know that. Money. That’s the thing. One day I will have money and then there will be the pictures of me in the magazines, looking relaxed I think at cocktail parties, a crystal trinket in my hand filled with wine. Of course I’ll be legal by then, maybe even a citizen, maybe even a politician. I’d like to be a politician. My father was a politician until they cut off his hands.

WENDY’S FRIEND Why did they cut off his hands?

WENDY They didn’t like him. Truth is, I’d like to be on television reading the evening news. Or maybe have one of those little shops where you sell sweet fragrances and tiny earrings for the piercing ears.

WENDY’S FRIEND Pierced ears.

WENDY Yes.

WENDY’S FRIEND But these ambitions—that’s considered honorable in this place. Everyone is supposed to be more than they can be.

WENDY I know, I know. But I’m paid for my actualities, not my hopes.

WENDY’S FRIEND What does that mean?

WENDY I have not yet directed myself into productive channels of effective accomplishment. It’s a temporary failing.

WENDY’S FRIEND Sometimes you talk like books I don’t want to read, and while I respect your channels of. . . whatever they are, all I’m concerned about right now is this right here, this bruise. It’s about the size of a mango.

WENDY I know, but the baby woke up in the middle of the night. She was crying and full of bubbles so I thought it was all right to give her some Coca-Cola.

WENDY’S FRIEND You gave her Coca-Cola? A baby?

WENDY Something my mother taught me long ago. I try to use some of those things so that I don’t forget them. Actually, the baby had these three really big gas belches and then went right to sleep.

WENDY’S FRIEND So you might have found a cure for colic?

WENDY Excuse me?

WENDY’S FRIEND Bubbles, baby bubbles.

WENDY Oh. I don’t know about that. But when Mrs. Dolly saw the Coca-Cola can near the baby’s bed she put two into two and slapped my quarters with a lamp that looks like that children’s gentleman. Mr. Shrek? I think he’s called Mr. Shrek.

(MR. LONGFELLOW enters the room nattily dressed in a suit with vest and tie and wingtip shoes. He has, however, neglected to put on a shirt and his hair is quite unkempt.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Now here is a gentleman, Wendy.

MR. LONGFELLOW Nicely put. Thank you, child.

WENDY’S FRIEND A man of taste prepared for the good things in life. Except—

(WENDY’S FRIEND begins patting down and adjusting MR. LONGFELLOW’S jacket, which she opens slightly, then fusses with his tie.)

MR. LONGFELLOW Have I forgotten something?

WENDY’S FRIEND You look very good, sir. But then, you always do. I believe, however, you’d look even better with a shirt. Don’t you think so, Wendy?

WENDY A shirt would be just the thing. The younger men, sometimes they don’t wear shirts, but I can’t imagine you’d measure yourself against what mere boys are wearing.

MR. LONGFELLOW Of course not. Yes, yes, I believe you’re right, the two of you.

WENDY’S FRIEND I’m so sorry, sir. I believe I’ve neglected my etiquettes. Have you met Wendy?

MR. LONGFELLOW An intern from Accounting. Correct? Regularly beaten, though, as I recall.

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW You provoke these things, you know. That’s the way it works.

WENDY (Talking to her friend) The hair? Do you think the hair is right for such a gentleman?

WENDY’S FRIEND Needs work, I think. Do you have a barbery, Mr. Longfellow?

MR. LONGFELLOW A barbarian? Do I have a barbarian? Not since my last vice president.

WENDY’S FRIEND I think I missed something, Wendy.

WENDY A barber, darling. I think it’s called a barber. Is that right, Mr. Longfellow?

MR. LONGFELLOW I had a woman come to my office once a week to cut my hair. She had stunning breasts and a butt that said hello as she said goodbye. Bad breath, though. She had bad breath. Does my hair need cutting? Is that what the two of you are saying?

WENDY’S FRIEND A trim, I think. I believe that’s what it’s called. Perhaps we—

(She leaves the room for just a moment and returns with a pair of scissors and a hairbrush.)

MR. LONGFELLOW For years, you know, good men would come to my offices to dress me. Very oddly short in stature nearly all of them, they made my clothing. They took photos of my body and drew lines on the photos. I was complimented, fussed over. Sometimes I had to give them special names because I couldn’t pronounce their real names.

WENDY’S FRIEND These were designers?

MR. LONGFELLOW Artistes was how they referred to themselves. It sometimes occurred to me that what I spent on clothes could have lifted a dozen families out of poverty and put them on the road to good times.

(WENDY takes the scissors and brush from her friend.)

WENDY Shall I?

WENDY’S FRIEND You’ve done this? The barbering business?

WENDY As Mrs. Dolly tells me all the time, “How hard can it be?”

(WENDY and her friend continue to talk as WENDY gently trims and fusses over MR. LONGFELLOW’S hair, while her friend gets a shoeshine kit and kneels down to polish MR. LONGFELLOW’S shoes.)

WENDY’S FRIEND This woman’s husband—

WENDY His name is Jim.

WENDY’S FRIEND Okay—this Jim, he treats you like . . . with respect?

WENDY They try, both of them, even Mrs. Dolly. They are religious people, you know. Of a Christian nature.

WENDY’S FRIEND That is a harsh religion, Wendy. You must be careful.

WENDY But darling—I am a Christian. Didn’t you know that?

WENDY’S FRIEND No, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to offend you.

MR. LONGFELLOW I like churches.

WENDY’S FRIEND You do, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW When I was a young man I used to buy and sell churches. I believe I sold a cathedral one time. Seems like it might have been made into a restaurant.

WENDY’S FRIEND You can buy a church, sir?

WENDY You can sell a church, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW Girls, girls, girls. In this country you could sell a pope to a synagogue if all parties agreed to the terms.

(A little wide-eyed and open-mouthed, WENDY and her friend suppress some giggling.)

It’s what gives us our energy, you see. Everything, as we say, is always on the table and the checkbook is always open.

(He yawns and closes his eyes as WENDY continues her trimming.)

WENDY You didn’t offend me, darling. I understood what you meant, and in some ways you’re right.

WENDY’S FRIEND Do I remember what I’m right about? I forgot what we were saying.

WENDY About Christians. I mean, what I was going to say, is that one time I told Mrs. Dolly I was a Christian. She seems to believe it deeply, that faith, almost as though the Christ was yet one more thing she owns. Anyway, when I told her I was a Christian I thought she would be happy, that maybe she would no longer see me as totally hopeless.

WENDY’S FRIEND She was happy?

WENDY Maybe that wasn’t a good word. Christians, we tend to be suspicious of happiness. It ended up, though, a little funny.

WENDY’S FRIEND Why do I think I’m not going to find it funny?

WENDY She was annoyed, I believe, to find that she had a common bond with a servant. So she put a bar of white soap in my mouth and made me keep it there all day. The children, I have to tell you, found great amusement in it since I had bubbles all around my face. I was also pushing bubbles into the toilet for days afterward.

WENDY’S FRIEND Oh, Wendy. Will I ever be able to stop saying, ‘Oh, Wendy?’ But this Jim, this Mr. Jim Dolly, he doesn’t mind all of this?

WENDY I hardly ever see him. He travels in his work, but when he’s home Mrs. Dolly doesn’t like me to be near him. She says he has views. I don’t know what that means, but at certain times, not like a party, one of her many parties, you know, if I am needed when Jim Dolly is home and it’s not a party time, Mrs. Dolly makes me wear raggedy clothes and sometimes she rubs wet meal trash into my armpits so that I smell offensive. One time she put cigarette ashes in my hair and rubbed them on my face.

WENDY’S FRIEND That’s disgusting. I do believe that.

MR. LONGFELLOW

(Suddenly waking from his nap, his head jerking in such a way that WENDY’s scissors go flying as she tries to avoid stabbing him.)

Disgusting? How can it be disgusting? We cleared it with corporate, our own board and. . . . Oh—did I break wind?

WENDY’S FRIEND You were dozing, sir. Perhaps we startled you.

MR. LONGFELLOW Fair enough. I’ve been known to fart in my sleep, so I’ll just offer my apologies in a general sense. If necessary, a memo can always be composed.

WENDY’S FRIEND A memo, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW It’s always good to stick with procedures. Did I ever mention to you that I received a book from a colleague abroad?

WENDY’S FRIEND I don’t believe so, sir. Is it something I should be familiar with? Did you want me to find it in your library?

MR. LONGFELLOW Perhaps later. I only mention it because the title of the book is Respectful Beatings For Very Good Help.

(Both WENDY and her friend share a shocked, quizzical look as they hear the book’s title.)

You’re familiar with this book?

WENDY’S FRIEND My aunty gave me a copy when she first heard I was coming to the States. She said I would need it because Americans aren’t very good at beating their employees. No offense, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW None taken, child. Perhaps you should let your friend here—Wendy, is it?—read your copy.

WENDY I have, Mr. Longfellow.

MR. LONGFELLOW Quite the classic, don’t you think?

(WENDY and HER FRIEND move away from MR. LONGFELLOW to the front of the stage.)

WENDY’S FRIEND I didn’t give you that book, Wendy.

WENDY I know that. My mother sent it to me after I called her one time and couldn’t keep from crying because Mrs. Dolly had pulled out a piece of my hair. I just didn’t think Mr. Longfellow needed to know all of that.

WENDY’S FRIEND What did you do with the book?

WENDY Respectful Beatings For Very Good Help?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes.

(In the background as they speak, MR. LONGFELLOW is slowly removing his clothing.)

WENDY I gave it to Mrs. Dolly. I thought she might like to know it was all right to do what she did, but that maybe there were better ways to do it.

WENDY’S FRIEND I have the feeling I’m about to say ‘Oh, Wendy,’ again. Did she read it? Did she say anything?

WENDY She said, ‘Eat it.’

WENDY’S FRIEND Eat it?

WENDY The book. I had to eat it, page by page. Of course I couldn’t really do it, but I ate some of it and then, while I was kneeling over the toilet in the gardener’s shed and throwing myself up—

WENDY’S FRIEND Throwing up, not throwing myself up.

WENDY When I become an ambassador I’ll have to have you by my side all the time.

WENDY’S FRIEND By the time you become an ambassador, your English will be fine. But you were saying—

WENDY Oh. Yes. As I was throwing. . . up, Mrs. Dolly told me I might have to be put in the cellar for a few days because my attitude was appalling. I didn’t know about this appalling, what it meant, but it was hard to think of anything because she was also kicking me on my hindquarters while I was being sick. It was a very busy time.

WENDY’S FRIEND Kicking you?

WENDY Not real hard, darling.

(Noticing that behind her MR. LONGFELLOW is now naked except for his boxer shorts and shoes and socks.)

Your employer, sweetheart. Perhaps he has needs we don’t usually think of in older men.

WENDY’S FRIEND (Turning quickly and seeing MR. LONGFELLOW) Oh, my. Mr. Longfellow?

MR. LONGFELLOW Only another staff meeting, child. Nothing to get all concerned about. I do have some papers, though, and the agenda—I wonder where they might be?

(MR. LONGFELLOW keeps trying to remove his shorts as he walks about looking for his papers. Each time he tries, though, WENDY’S FRIEND is there with her hand on his rear waistband. This action is repeated several times.)

Preparation, you see. It’s all about preparation. I need to see your budgets, your quarterly reports, staff evaluations. Something about the beatings you’ve administered, too, although quite frankly I wasn’t aware we’d started that again. Has Human Resources been informed of that?

WENDY’S FRIEND They do tend to stay on top of those things, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW Good, good, very good.

WENDY’S FRIEND Your office, sir. I’m sure you’ll find all your materials in your office.

(Exit MR. LONGFELLOW as WENDY’S FRIEND begins gathering up his clothing.)

WENDY I’m afraid I—

(She is interrupted by a knock on the door. Her friend, arms full of clothing, answers the door.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Wendy?

(WENDY goes to the door and opens it. Standing there is ALEXANDRA DOLLY, clearly upset at having to come and retrieve her servant.)

WENDY Mrs. Dolly?

(Exit WENDY. Moments later a few quick cries of pain are heard.)

End of Scene One

(Late morning, a few days later. MR. LONGFELLOW is standing in the center of the room dressed in a military uniform and holding a sword in his hand. WENDY’S FRIEND is standing close to him. A bottle of polish and a rag are in her hands as she polishes the metal buttons on MR. LONGFELLOW’S coat.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Would you like me to polish your knife, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW My knife?

WENDY’S FRIEND Your big knife, sir. This one.

MR. LONGFELLOW Ah! It’s a sword, child. It’s called a sword. S-W-O-R-D.

WENDY’S FRIEND S-W-O-R-D. Sa-Ward?

MR. LONGFELLOW Indeed. The sword is fine for now. I’ll polish it myself before the parade.

WENDY’S FRIEND A parade. I know parades. We had them often in my country. Great rainbows of gay clothing and gay people and all kinds of gay music.

MR. LONGFELLOW Gay parades? They have parades now? I’m going to be in a gay parade?

WENDY’S FRIEND Oh, Mr. Longfellow. My English has got me upside down again.

MR. LONGFELLOW Nothing to be upset about. I’ve had gay associates. Good people, quite nimble—always prompt, as I recall.

WENDY’S FRIEND No, no—happy. I meant happy.

MR. LONGFELLOW —in reasonable measure.

WENDY’S FRIEND My parades, sir. I meant the parades in my country were happy parades. Gay, in this country, gay I remember is not the same as happy. I meant happy.

MR. LONGFELLOW You meant happy?

WENDY’S FRIEND I did, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW So I won’t be marching in a gay parade?

WENDY’S FRIEND Maybe it will only be happy, sir. A happy parade.

MR. LONGFELLOW You need to say what you mean, child. More than one war has been started over synonyms.

WENDY’S FRIEND Over …? Yes, sir. I’ll try harder. Truly I will.

MR. LONGFELLOW That’s all I expect.

WENDY’S FRIEND Sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW Yes?

WENDY’S FRIEND Might I look at it for a moment? It’s such a beautiful thing.

MR. LONGFELLOW Are we talking about my penis again?

WENDY’S FRIEND Oh no, sir. I don’t believe we are. I was only wondering if I could look at your sa-ward.

MR. LONGFELLOW Well, I don’t see why not.

(MR. LONGFELLOW withdraws the sword from its scabbard and hands it to WENDY’S FRIEND.)

With care, my dear. It is for the most part a ceremonial device, but never forget that it’s a true weapon.

WENDY’S FRIEND You’ve killed men?

MR. LONGFELLOW Not me. Not that I know of and not with this sword. But it’s over a hundred years old so I’m sure its history is both glorious and sad.

WENDY’S FRIEND Like most history, is it not?

MR. LONGFELLOW That’s a quite good observation. You’ve studied, haven’t you. University?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir. I have degrees in maths and economics.

MR. LONGFELLOW Yet here you are.

WENDY’S FRIEND I believe I am, sir. Here I am.

(A knock on the door interrupts the conversation. As WENDY’S FRIEND, still examining the sword, turns quickly toward the door, MR. LONGFELLOW has to duck as the blade comes perilously close to his head. She goes over and opens the door to see WENDY standing there. A look of horror crosses her face as she notices WENDY’s arm in a sling.)

You’re injured, darling! Is it bad? Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

WENDY Please, my lovely. Really, it’s a minor thing. My goodness, though—such an incredible weapon. Has Mr. Longfellow been naughty?

WENDY’S FRIEND How sweet of you to laugh in your pain. But, no—he is still a fine man. We are preparing him for a parade of the old soldiers. But you, Wendy. What has happened now?

(WENDY’S FRIEND returns the sword to its scabbard.)

I believe you will be quite elegant, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW Perhaps a bit of a nap is in order, though. This has all been quite rigorous. Close-order drill always is.

WENDY’S FRIEND It has been a busy morning for you. Would you like me to put a blanket on your couch in the office?

(MR. LONGFELLOW, however, has chosen to take his nap where he is: standing at attention, eyes closed, mouth open slightly. WENDY’S FRIEND pushes him back gently so that he is leaning against the fireplace mantle. She turns back to WENDY.)

A good story now, sweet friend. I want to know what truly, truly has happened to you.

WENDY An accident, only that. I was dusting under the baby’s crib and had one arm through the bars so I could pat her tummy. Got up too quick, though, and dislocated my shoulder.

WENDY’S FRIEND (Pauses, a skeptical expression on her face) The expression, I believe, the American expression, which you don’t even have to understand to really feel it, is, “Would you buy a used car from this woman?”

WENDY It’s hard to have a friend you can’t lie to.

WENDY’S FRIEND It’s even harder to have friends if you lie to them.

WENDY I know, I know. Lying, though, isn’t it really like a poem you simply haven’t finished yet?

WENDY’S FRIEND You don’t look like poetry to me, Wendy.

WENDY Mrs. Dolly popped my shoulder out trying to flip me. I fell on the davenport, though, so it wasn’t all that bad.

WENDY’S FRIEND Flip you? What means this flip you?

WENDY Like trying to turn me upside down. She was angry. Very angry.

WENDY’S FRIEND Mrs. Dolly always turns you upside down when she’s angry?

WENDY It’s a big davenport, very soft.

WENDY’S FRIEND I don’t believe that answers my question. No matter. You’ve been to hospital?

WENDY There was a plumbing man in the house at the time. We’ve been having problems with one of the banquet sinks in the kitchen. This plumbing man, though, it turns out he used to be a muscle therapist in the old Yugoslavia. He knew right away what to do and he told Mrs. Dolly how to make the sling. She’s still angry, though, since I was only able to pour coffee and tea at her party last night.

WENDY’S FRIEND Plumber.

WENDY Plumber?

WENDY’S FRIEND He’s called a plumber, not a plumbing man.

WENDY Quite competent, I think.

WENDY’S FRIEND Once again you make me hurt, Wendy Alice.

WENDY Truly, it is not worth your thoughts, certainly not your hurt. I only wish—

WENDY’S FRIEND You wish? For what do you wish?

WENDY You try so hard to see a new place through its own eyes, to be … is it judgmental? Yes, I think it is that. To be not judgmental. It is just that I would have Mrs. Dolly be. . . instructional in these things, and she is not that.

WENDY’S FRIEND You would find a teacher in the devil?

WENDY Oh, darling, not a devil. Mrs. Dolly is not a devil. I don’t think people are bad because they want to be. I’m sure she wants nothing but my goodness. What is missing, though, the word, what is this word? Therapeutic?

WENDY’S FRIEND All right.

WENDY Yes, therapeutic. If she thinks me dreadful, she should show me how I could be not dreadful. Yes. No one wants to be dreadful. Do you? I don’t.

WENDY’S FRIEND Misbehavior is a disease easily cured. Servants, employees, children, even animal pets all know this.

WENDY So true, my darling. I ask myself again and again just what is there to be learned by having your head pushed into the water of a toilet or your hand placed upon an electric stove burner?

WENDY’S FRIEND She’s done these things to you, Wendy?

WENDY I heal quite well, quite efficiently. My aunty always told me that. I have to say, too, because I know these Americans always like things to be. . . fairness? Fair, that’s it. To be fair, Mrs. Dolly always adjusts my workload following the punishments.

WENDY’S FRIEND So with your shoulder broken you don’t have to hold the baby?

WENDY Oh, no! I can do that.

(Gesturing to her sling)

I can put her right in here.

WENDY’S FRIEND Wendy? I was being. . . not nice. Sarcastic, I believe.

WENDY Oh. I understand. Anyway, if your superiors can’t also be your teachers, why do we have them?

(MR. LONGFELLOW stirs at the mantle, then pushes himself upright. WENDY notices.)

Your employer. I believe he is wakeful now.

WENDY’S FRIEND Perhaps there is something I can do. Why don’t you go home now? I’ll call you—maybe soon, maybe with good news.

(Exit WENDY.)

(Turning to MR. LONGFELLOW.)

Mr. Longfellow?

MR. LONGFELLOW No need to call housekeeping. It all dries after a time. Excuse me. You said something?

WENDY’S FRIEND Are you ready for your meeting?

MR. LONGFELLOW My meeting?

WENDY’S FRIEND I hope you haven’t forgotten.

MR. LONGFELLOW I do not forget meetings, young lady. For forty years it was what I did. I met with people. I had them stand or sit as the mood suited me. If they talked gibberish I threw them out. If they made sense, I listened. We talked, though. God love us, we talked—and we made money. So is everyone here?

WENDY’S FRIEND I believe they are.

MR. LONGFELLOW Good enough. You have the agenda?

WENDY’S FRIEND I do.

MR. LONGFELLOW Proceed, then.

WENDY’S FRIEND Would you mind if Wendy came to live with us?

MR. LONGFELLOW Is she not quartered already?

WENDY’S FRIEND She is, sir. But her situation is not good.

MR. LONGFELLOW Situations can be complicated. Indeed, do we know that. Information, though. Hard data, please. I need hard data. Do we fully understand her family situation? Have you researched matters of liability? Compatibility? Has anyone drawn up a list of what her duties might be? Does she have a sale price? I mean, an exchange value?

WENDY’S FRIEND Those are all excellent questions, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW Yet only ancillary to the bigger question.

WENDY’S FRIEND Ancill. . . . What is the bigger question, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW What’s the point of all this? Why is this an issue for my household?

WENDY’S FRIEND She’s being beaten, sir. Quite badly, I think.

MR. LONGFELLOW There’s more than one way to see a beating, you know. I remember one time when—

WENDY’S FRIEND —correct?

MR. LONGFELLOW Interruption noted, but point taken.

WENDY’S FRIEND I’m not sure I understand.

MR. LONGFELLOW I’ll need to talk to the whole board on this matter, Eleanor. Consultation, you see. The addition of residents is a serious matter and not a decision I care to make on my own. Consultation, you see, consultation. That’s the essence of everything that happens on this earth.

WENDY’S FRIEND Might you tell them these are urgent circumstances, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW I’ll do my best. In the meantime, Eleanor—

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW —that’s Mrs. Dolly—to drop by as soon as possible. Within the hour, if she can—before my afternoon nap. She’s one of these sour young bats but I believe a bit of arbitration, some amelioration—

WENDY’S FRIEND Before your nap, sir. I’m sure we can do that. I mean, I’ll do my best.

MR. LONGFELLOW And Eleanor?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir.

MR. LONGFELLOW Have Mrs. Dolly bring her girl, too, this one you’re talking about.

WENDY’S FRIEND Oh yes, sir. Yes, sir!

(Exit MR. LONGFELLOW. WENDY’S FRIEND goes to the phone. She begins to pick it up and then stops and takes a moment to rehearse her talk with MRS. DOLLY.)

Hello. This is Mr. Longfellow. I mean— Mr. Longfellow wants to see you before his nap. No, no! Hello. Mrs. Jim? No—is it? James? Yet he said Alexandra. Hello Alexandra? Too familiar.

(WENDY’S FRIEND picks up the phone then and touches in the number. WENDY answers the phone at the Dolly residence.)

Wendy? Something’s happening, maybe something good. What? Climbing a tree for the kitty cat? Don’t you have groundsmen for that? Oh—you were late. Well look, don’t do it, darling. Your arm. Good heavens, think of your arm. I can’t say much right now because I need to speak to Mrs. Dolly. Yes, me. Of course I’m allowed. I understand, darling.

(Pause)

Mrs. Dolly? This is Mr. Longfellow’s housekeeper calling on Mr. Longfellow’s behalf. If it’s at all possible, would you and your maid be able to meet with him? Really, as soon as possible. It’s rather urgent. Yes, here. He doesn’t, as you know, leave his home any longer. Oh, very good. I’m sure he’ll be quite joyful.

(Hangs up.)

Joyful?

(MR. LONGFELLOW enters the room. He has removed his military outfit and is now dressed in his three-piece suit, this time with both shirt and socks included. He looks quite distinguished.)

MR. LONGFELLOW Eleanor, some refreshments would be in order for the meeting. Some brandy for me, and I believe Mrs. Dolly prefers an herbal tea—with ice.

WENDY’S FRIEND You knew she would come, sir? I did talk to her on the telephone, but—

MR. LONGFELLOW Perhaps you won’t understand, Eleanor. But it’s something of an agreement among those of us fortunate enough. . . to be fortunate. Let’s just say I’ve provided some assistance in the past to her husband—a financial matter in one instance, a matter of his personal freedom in another.

WENDY’S FRIEND He was not free?

MR. LONGFELLOW He was not incarcerated—there’s quite a difference. Another thing, Eleanor?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir?

MR. LONGFELLOW Would you bring my check ledger out here? It’s on my desk in my office. Oh, and there should be a tablet there. Bring it and a pencil with you. I’d like you to take minutes.

WENDY’S FRIEND Time off, sir? You wish me to leave?

MR. LONGFELLOW Excuse me?

WENDY’S FRIEND I believe I’ve misunderstood something. How many minutes did you want me to take?

MR. LONGFELLOW (Laughing) Just an expression, child. It means to make notes, to keep a record of a meeting. Always, a most important obligation. I once misplaced a tall building because a young woman lost the minutes of a meeting. I think I misplaced the young woman, too, but that was another matter.

(WENDY’S FRIEND leaves the room for a moment to work on her preparations. When the sound of a metal door knocker is heard, MR. LONGFELLOW gets a quizzical look on his face and looks over toward the door. Again there is a knock on the door. MR. LONGFELLOW raises one arm slightly as though to direct someone to the door, and looks around the room. It is clear that it has been a long time since he has opened the front door to greet someone.

As WENDY’S FRIEND reenters the room, the telephone rings. She answers it.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Mr. Longfellow’s residence. What? Wendy? You are? Oh my goodness! I’m so very sorry!

(She rushes to the front door then and opens it. MRS. DOLLY enters, followed by WENDY. WENDY’S FRIEND closes the door, then goes over to a sideboard and pours brandy for MR. LONGFELLOW and a glass of herbal tea for MRS. DOLLY. She puts the drinks on a tray.)

MR. LONGFELLOW Alexandra—it’s such a pleasure to see you again.

(They embrace quite lightly, quite formally.)

MRS. DOLLY You are much too much the recluse, Herbert.

MR. LONGFELLOW My handlers, dear. They have forced me cruelly into rest and relaxation.

MRS. DOLLY Do you miss it, Herbert? All your adventures, the spotlights, the publicity?

MR. LONGFELLOW Not much of it was terribly real, Alexandra. Always was it one gambit pursuing another so that a third gambit might lead to a fourth. But always—

MRS. DOLLY Yes?

MR. LONGFELLOW —was it better than a poke in the eye.

MRS. DOLLY With none better than you in the pursuit. That’s always been my understanding, what I’ve heard.

MR. LONGFELLOW That’s a very kind thing to say to an old man. My daughter, however, says I must now pursue amusements and gentle things. Music, for example, about which I know nothing. I often think she has a cranky heart, but it’s a big heart, and she’s hoping I’ll live forever. Perhaps I shall.

MRS. DOLLY We would all be enriched by that, Herbert.

MR. LONGFELLOW With all this syrup flowing so freely perhaps some refreshments are in order. Eleanor?

(WENDY’S FRIEND brings the tray of drinks over to MRS. DOLLY who is seated on a couch.)

WENDY’S FRIEND Herbal tea, ma’am?

MRS. DOLLY Yes.

(WENDY’S FRIEND serves MR. LONGFELLOW his brandy. After returning the tray to the sideboard, she picks up the tablet and pencil and sits next to WENDY. The two are sitting in straight-back chairs up against the wall, while MRS. DOLLY is on the couch and MR. LONGFELLOW is seated on a cushioned chair.)

MR. LONGFELLOW Your husband is well, Alexandra?

MRS. DOLLY He’s fine, Herbert, traveling more than ever now, which pretty much leaves me at the mercy of my own resources.

MR. LONGFELLOW And your staff.

MRS. DOLLY Down to just two, I’m afraid—my driver, who has grudgingly agreed to do some grounds work, and my girl. That should change soon, however. In fact I’m interviewing tomorrow. That alone is a terrible chore what with language barriers and all. Which reminds me, Herbert—am I to understand that you’re having some problems with your help? I can certainly sympathize if that’s the case.

MR. LONGFELLOW With my help? I don’t believe so.

MRS. DOLLY (Looking over at WENDY) Perhaps I’ve been misinformed then. It wouldn’t be the first time.

MR. LONGFELLOW Right dish, wrong fork, as they say.

MRS. DOLLY Pardon me?

MR. LONGFELLOW Problems with the help—that is why I wanted to talk to you today.

MRS. DOLLY Oh. Very well.

FELLOW My understanding, Alexandra, is that you’re knocking the shit out of your girl here. Rather unseemly that, although of course I’m well aware of how difficult these people can sometimes be.

MRS. DOLLY This is so very awkward, Herbert. You’re giving me advice on my employment practices?

MR. LONGFELLOW I think not. I mean, my advising days are water under the bridge now, which means that I have the luxury of some simple human concern.

MRS. DOLLY There are humans, and there are humans, Herbert. It’s not so much a quantity as a quality.

MR. LONGFELLOW Some of us a little more on the team than others, Alexandra?

MRS. DOLLY Or simply more fit to play.

MR. LONGFELLOW No doubt we could continue this sparring for some time, my dear. But look— we , you and I, Alexandra, are a beginning for these folks. We can be their strength and we can be their teachers. Our history is complex, but its hallmark is the coming together of people who, in other lands, could never come together without the results being both savage and saddening. We can show them how dignity can arise from difference. We can show them the marvelous treats available to all on this American table. They, in turn, can give us infinity, a thousand years of pax humana through their labors, their living, their families. They can remember those who gave them their start as both generous and instructive. Or not.

MRS. DOLLY Very elegant, Herbert. But I’m afraid I don’t see the point in all of that.

MR. LONGFELLOW (He raises his arm in a gesture toward WENDY’S FRIEND) Ledger, please.

(WENDY’S FRIEND gets up from her chair and brings him the checkbook ledger and a pen from the sideboard.)

Quite frankly, I didn’t think you would.

MRS. DOLLY Not that it’s terribly complicated. I don’t mean that. But I do believe the Lord tells us that if you spare the rod you spoil the child.

MR. LONGFELLOW (Writing in his checkbook ledger and talking) Yet these are not children, are they? Young women, far from home, here under circumstances that might not warrant a close check of their documents. Still, they work hard for us and rarely realize how much we profit from their labors. You’ve never struck me as being stupid, Alexandra.

(Once again he gestures toward WENDY’S FRIEND, this time with check in hand. He instructs her to give it to MRS. DOLLY.)

MRS. DOLLY What is it that you really want, Herbert?

MR. LONGFELLOW You can just leave the girl, Alexandra. Eleanor? Would you arrange to have her things picked up from the Dolly residence?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes, sir. Of course.

MR. LONGFELLOW (Rising) The door, Eleanor? It has been a pleasure, Alexandra. Do keep in touch.

MRS. DOLLY Indeed, Herbert. We’ll keep in touch.

(Exit MRS. DOLLY.)

MR. LONGFELLOW It’s my naptime, Eleanor. You may see to your other duties.

WENDY’S FRIEND Enjoy your rest, sir.

(Exit MR. LONGFELLOW. At this point WENDY and her friend are all smiles and stifled laughter. They embrace, then sit on the couch, their looks and gestures an excited display of triumph.)

WENDY Oh.

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes?

WENDY I think I might be confused. Yes. I’m confused.

WENDY’S FRIEND About what, Wendy?

WENDY Eleanor?

WENDY’S FRIEND Yes?

WENDY Who is this Eleanor?

WENDY’S FRIEND I have no idea.

(Curtain)