Garden Spot, U.S.A., Act II

The Park

(JACK stands looking up. Addresses buzzards.)

JACK Okay, guys, are you listening? You get no bedtime story tonight. I’m too tired. Don’t take it personally, Herman. Night Ed . . .

JILL Jack? . . . Jack?

(JACK reacts, turns away. She enters.)

JACK Ah, Miss Worthy. May I ask how come you didn’t march in the big parade? I waited.

JILL Sometimes you are just awful.

JACK And that is the secret of my charm.

JILL Here. I brought you that book by Henry Miller.

JACK And I thought they had burned it. Any good?

JILL I haven’t read it.

JACK Not even a little peek?

JILL And here’s . . . (produces a bottle of wine)

JACK Ah, “Night Train.”

JILL I don’t know the first thing about wines. Is it any good?

JACK It will do very nicely. Jill, you are a complete mystery to me. One minute you call me a public disgrace. Next here you come like the Goddess of Plenty bearing gifts—pornography in one hand and hooch in the other. What’s happened to you?

JILL Nothing.

JACK The Library is closed. You’re on your way home. What’s wrong . . . ?

JILL Jack, do you have any idea what it’s like living at Miss Ida Fishback’s Friendly Boarding House?

JACK Well, I can guess. I guess I can imagine.

JILL I used to pretend that I was happy . . . happy just working at the library and living quietly at Miss Ida’s. Tonight when I locked up the Library and walked home, when I turned up the walk to that house, I felt my whole heart sink, literally sink inside me . . . Have you ever felt anything like that?

JACK Yes, I have. . . .

JILL And the worst thing of all, I realized, is coming home in the evening to that unfriendly Friendly Boarding House and being greeted at the door by that horrible hat rack and the smell of cabbage cooking and the blare of bad news from the T.V. in the living room. And then I go up the stairs to a room where the wallpaper is ugly and the alarm clock on the dresser is ticking and ticking and glaring at me like a moral owl . . . And tonight I knew that I just had to get out, to go somewhere or just lie down there and die. . . .

JACK (mild sarcasm) You must be in real trouble to come here.

JILL Why do you always act that way?

JACK What way?

JILL Sarcastic and . . . defensive.

JACK What do you care how I act?

JILL Well, I do care. I guess I really do.

JACK You do?

JILL And I guess I always have. In spite of everything. In spite of that time you clipped off my pigtail and put chewing gum in my desk in the third grade. . . .

JACK Oh, that. Well, I can explain.

JILL (continuing) And you gave me a live bullfrog for Valentine’s Day . . .

JACK Oh, I was a naughty boy—I was a devil.

(They are now sitting side by side on one of the park benches.)

JILL Remember the time you tied my clothes in knots at the Swimming Hole?

JACK That was during my brief career as a Boy Scout. I went through a knot-tying phase.

JILL And when you took me to the Senior Prom on your bicycle. You were wearing that horrible tuxedo.

JACK I had to borrow it from Fatty Brown. I’ll admit it didn’t fit too well. It was too big for him in the first place.

JILL (laughing) You looked like a fugitive scarecrow.

JACK Like a giant three-toed sloth! We had fun together, didn’t we? Remember when we played doctor? I was always the doctor and you were always the patient.

JILL (reacts with indignition—mild) You would remember something like that! You were awful.

JACK I still am.

JILL (thoughtful) No, not really. You just think you are. Oh, Jack, whatever happened to us? We were in love . . .

JACK I have always loved you.

JILL (reacts) Well! You never showed it.

JACK Well, I never had a chance.

JILL . . . lots and lots of chances.

JACK Name one. I dare you.

JILL I could name a thousand. Remember when I stood at the bus station in the pouring rain without a raincoat or even an umbrella for an hour and a half just waiting for you to come home from college?

JACK The bus was late. I couldn’t help that.

JILL Jack Peterkin, why do you think that day in and day out I’ve been coming to the park to eat my lunch? Because I like fresh air? I have waited and waited for you just to say something, something, for some kind of sign . . .

(They kiss.)

JACK Let’s go away, Jill. Now. Tonight. We can have a wonderful life together. Anyplace else but here.

JILL We could have run away from all this—and each other—any time. But we didn’t. Don’t you know why?

JACK No, ma’am, I . . .

JILL Garden Spot is not such a bad place. It could be a beautiful place. God knows there is plenty of everything for a good life. And, you know, we can begin right here and change the world!

(Sound of someone whistling, coming toward them.)

JACK (kisses her lightly on the cheek) Guess we better wait ’til tomorrow to change the world. Right now you better run on back to Miss Ida’s before they turn out the lights and lock the front door.

JILL I don’t care. I . . .

(Sound of whistling, closer.)

JACK Goodnight, Jill.

JILL Night.

(She exits. A moment later the COP enters)

COP Howdy, Jack.

JACK Evening, officer. All quiet on this bright and starry night?

COP Same old thing. Not a creature is stirring, not even . . . (looks up at buzzards) any of those beady-eyed bastards. Tell me something, Jack. How do you stand it with them up there all the time?

JACK Well, we have reached an . . . understanding.

COP Beats me how you do it. Night . . .

(COP exits whistling. JACK, who of course lives in the park, produces a sleeping bag. Lays it out, fluffs it. Prepares to climb in.)

(The STRANGER enters with a flash and puff of smoke, or equivalent music cue.)

STRANGER (cheerfully) Good evening! Good evening, my good man!

JACK (suspicious) Excuse me, sir, but do you smell something funny? Kind of like sulphur?

STRANGER Could be. May I inquire who you are, young man?

JACK Well, sir, a lot of people around here are convinced that I am the town bum. But the unromantic truth is I’m the official custodian of this little park. I am supposed to keep the place more or less clean and shaped up. And I do that. But I spend a good deal of my precious time just hanging around and watching this so-called world pass by.

STRANGER Well now. Do you think you might be able to locate the so-called Mayor of this town or anybody else with some authority?

JACK Now? At this time of night?

STRANGER Why not?

JACK I reckon I could.

STRANGER Well, go and see. Tell them that the man with the answer, the man with the answer to all your problems has arrived upon the scene. Here . . . (gives him money) let this speed you on your merry way.

(JACK exits.)

STRANGER (to statue) Ah, General, you look ever so much better in bronze. It must be a little wearisome just standing up there with life whirling all about you . . . an endless cycle of seasons, sun and rain, dogs and cats, children and maids, birds in the trees and lovers in the grass. And pigeons. The eternal occupational hazard of all bronze heroes. (to audience) It’s great to be back in the harness again. Frankly, I was becoming a little bored with my usual haunts . . . the court rooms, corporate board rooms, the senate chambers and parliaments. Even crisis can be monotonous . . . and travel is so terribly wearing. I’ve lived out of a suitcase in Africa . . . and, believe me, the laundry service in the Congo is absolutely abominable . . . Then on to Algiers, which I can assure you is not what Charles Boyer cracked it up to be. And Berlin . . . probably the coldest and draftiest little “hot spot” I found this winter; except, of course, for the Kremlin . . . where I wore a fur hat, had cold soup, warm liquor, and innumerable promises which fluctuated between the two. I have attended endless meetings . . . that Birch group, the Minutewomen of NOW, your very own schoolboard . . . But to be here! Back to the grass roots! Smell that air! I love simple people. And they need me. Isn’t it wonderful to be needed by someone . . . ?

(Enter the MAYOR, PREACHER, and BANKER)

ALL You wanted to see us?

STRANGER Are you the duly constituted authorities of this place?

MAYOR I was elected by the overwhelming majority.

PREACHER I received the call on April Fool’s Day, 1934.

BANKER Let’s face it. We run this town. (apprehensive) Where’s Mabel?

STRANGER (bowing) Gentlemen . . .

ALL What can we do for you?

STRANGER Better to ask, what can I do for you ?

ALL Who are you, anyway?

STRANGER My name and background are largely irrelevant. Suffice it to say that I have come here to Garden Spot with the solution to all your difficulties.

ALL Not another one!

STRANGER Permit me to ask you a question. What are you doing about the problem?

MAYOR Not a day goes by that the Special Subcommittee isn’t in Special Session.

PREACHER I have ordered a marble statue of one for the church. There are those who persist in referring to it as a graven image, but . . .

BANKER Let’s face it! The only practical step being taken at the moment is my CRASH PROGRAM OF ADVANCED BUZZARD RESEARCH. I’ve got college professors trying to figure out how to use them. Can we eat them? If so, what are best recipes? Can we stuff pillows with their feathers? Can we see them as pets? And, if so, who the hell would want one? That’s a job for Motivation Research. I am firmly convinced we can not only lick this problem, but, while we’re at it, we can make a buck.

STRANGER Gentlemen! Gentlemen! It appears that you are approaching the situation negatively.

MAYOR Wait a minute! I believe in the power of positive thinking as much as the next guy.

PREACHER In the Gospel according to Norman Vincent Peale it is written that . . .

BANKER You got a proposition?

STRANGER I am not trying to sell you anything. The truth is, I have nothing to sell you. But naturally I, too, am interested in turning what you may call a kind of profit. But I promise it won’t cost you a red cent.

MAYOR AND PREACHER What?

BANKER Keep talking!

STRANGER The root of your trouble, I fear, is that you have been directing all your efforts toward getting rid of the birds.

PREACHER We have wept and prayed, prayed and fasted . . .

BANKER Keep talking!

STRANGER Let us suppose, just for the sake of argument, that we took the opposite view. That we turned all our energy and attention to the business of keeping them here.

BANKER I don’t follow you.

STRANGER Gentlemen! Learning to live with our feathered friends can be a valuable life experience . . . (played to BANKER. BANKER with slow-dawning realization and big grin.)

BANKER Valuable, now you’re talking!

STRANGER Let me assure you, it is entirely possible to live with buzzards and love it. If you will allow me to instruct you . . .

(BLACKOUT)

This is Real Life

(EARPHONES, a T.V. director with headset, clipboard, and various materials, enters.)

EARPHONES Places, everybody! Stand by . . .

(Original cast, more or less, for “A Typical Day in the Park,” Act I, Scene I, takes places.)

EARPHONES (to STRANGER) We’ve got a few cuts and changes. Here. The Preacher’s sermon was a little too downbeat last time. And we need a little more drama in the Bank. Bo and Rod have come up with a nice little bit about a mortgage foreclosure. You know, with a pretty widow begging and crying and all. Great stuff. Look it over, huh? And listen, the rest of you, watch your feet this time. Try not to trip over the cables.

(EARPHONES moves out as if to survey the set. Seems to approve. Then turns and directs himself to the audience.)

(to audience)

Ladies and gentlemen. In just a couple of minutes we will be on the air, live, from coast to coast. Some forty million of your fellow Americans will be watching this show. And it is being taped to be shown to untold millions overseas. There will be four cameras working this set—two there, one over there, and one right here. those of you who have never had the honor and the privilege of being in the studio audience for a network T.V. show, please remember to sit perfectly quiet and still at all times. Look straight ahead and do not wave at the camera or make faces. Don’t cough or sneeze, and if you itch, please do not scratch. And, above all, be responsive. When I hold up this sign . . .

(He is carrying several large cue cards. They read: “APPLAUSE!,” “LAUGH,” “CRY,” AND “BOO! HISS!” He holds up the “Applause” sign.)

EARPHONES When I hold up this sign, please begin to applaud and clap loudly and continuously until I give you the wave off . . . Let’s try it now. Keep your eyes on me and make it spontaneous. (He tries it a couple of times with sections of the audience.) Come on! Let’s hear it! You can do better than that. Bruise your palms! Make noise!

(He waves off the applause.)

EARPHONES Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You’re a great bunch, really. I mean it. Now, then. T.V. is a mass medium of communication, so the basic human feelings and emotions have to be simplified. Other than the basic applause signal, we only use two other reactions on this show . . .

(He holds up the “LAUGH” and “CRY” cue cards, appropriately laughing and crying as he does so.)

EARPHONES T.V.’s other basic emotion (hold up “BOO! HISS” sign) is never ever used on a quality show like this one. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

EARPHONES Are you crumbs ready? Take positions . . . (Now all actors take position.) Places everybody! Places! Set? Hold it . . . All right, dolly in number one. Gimme a long shot of the park . . . Now bring up the Garden Spot theme. That’s it. Now. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. Action!

STRANGER (as host) Welcome! Welcome to THIS IS REAL LIFE. Brought to you live by the good, decent people of Garden Spot, U.S.A. In just one minute we are going to bring you a slice of real life, of life as it happens, life in the raw. But just a word from our sponsors . . .

EARPHONES You’re off camera. Sixty seconds. Hold it, please, while they sell the soap. Hey, you, put out that cigarette! . . . Okay, ready. Ten seconds. Action!

STRANGER And now a word or two about Garden Spot. The whole world knows about the strange and sudden visitation that has fallen on this town. What the world does not know yet is that the people of this town aren’t letting it get them down. Life goes on smoothly and proudly here in Garden Spot. Just as it always has. And now let’s watch a typical day in the park . . .

EARPHONES Gimme the cricket noise. Now cut to the steeple and zoom in on the birds. Okay, Joe, cut to the birds.

(BOY and GIRL in park)

BOY You know how much I love you.

GIRL But how do I know you are really sincere?

BOY Because I love you deeply and sincerely.

GIRL I hope so. I hope you really are sincere.

BOY Well, I am sincere. I’m sincere all right. You bet.

GIRL (with a sign) I admire a man who’s sincere.

EARPHONES Okay, gimme a long shot of the kids leaving. Now give me “Silver Threads Among the Gold” and come in on the two old guys playing checkers . . .

MIKE Nice day, huh, Pete?

PAT Kind of warm for this time of year, Mike.

MIKE Personally, I prefer the warm weather, Pat.

PAT Well, I like warm weather, too, Mike. I just wonder if it will hold out.

MIKE Maybe it will and maybe it won’t.

PAT You never can tell.

MIKE Nope. You never can tell for sure about the weather.

PAT You know what they say about the weather around here.

MIKE Yep. If you don’t like it, just wait a minute.

(They laugh loudly.)

PAT Your move, Mike.

EARPHONES Okay, cut to the host . . .

STRANGER (stepping forward, as if addressing camera) And now for a direct, person to person interview with one of the natives.

EARPHONES Cut to the friendly drunk.

STRANGER Sir? I wonder if I might have a word with you.

JACK Sure, sure. Why not?

STRANGER Surprise! Surprise! You are on camera. And THIS IS REAL LIFE.

JACK Oh! . . . Hi, mom! . . . Gee, I wish I had known I was going to be on the T.V. I mean, I could have at least put on a clean shirt or taken a bath or something.

STRANGER Don’t worry about that. On this show we present things as they really are. We try to show the naked truth.

JACK Man, you should have seen the big parade we had here awhile back.

STRANGER I understand you were the first one to see them.

JACK No, by the time I got there the parade was almost over.

STRANGER I mean the buzzards.

JACK Oh, yeah, sure. That’s right. I seen the very first one fly into town and perch right over there on top of the Courthouse Clock. We used to have a real nice clock . . .

STRANGER How did you happen to be here at the time?

JACK Well, actually I live here. I usually sleep over there under that bench.

STRANGER Want to tell us about it?

JACK I guess I have slept under all the benches in the park at one time or another. But I have come to prefer that one . . .

STRANGER What we are interested in is the arrival of the buzzards.

JACK Sure. Well, one fine morning I looked up and there the son of a gun was. I could hardly believe my eyes. You wouldn’t have either if you had been in my shoes. I prefer going barefoot . . .

STRANGER But what about the buzzards?

JACK (wiggling toes) Kinda keeps me close to nature.

STRANGER About the buzzards.

JACK Just a typical buzzard. Your ordinary average buzzard. You know. Lucky for me he turned out to be real. I almost went on the wagon then and there.

STRANGER Thank you. Thank you very much.

JACK Bye, Mom.

STRANGER (as if facing camera) In a moment we will take you to the heart of the downtown business section. There you will see business as usual. You will see the world of free enterprise and commerce going on as if nothing had happened. As if nothing were wrong. Because . . . THIS IS REAL LIFE!

(As STRANGER speaks, EARPHONES has signaled to get the rest of the cast back in place in the park for a final shot.)

EARPHONES Okay Jo-Jo, bring up the bank theme . . . (church music is heard) No! No! No! You idiot! That’s the goddamn Church theme. Kill it! (now lively and familiar show-biz music comes up) That’s it. Good. On the nose. Dissolve through to the bank. Good. (turning to cast) Okay, everybody, that’s it for today. Report to window 11 and pick up your checks.

(The park people go out quickly, all talking at the same time.)

BOY and GIRL

GIRL When you get your money, buy me something pretty.

BOY Buy yourself something. You make as much money as I do.

~

COP and MAID

COP Put all your money in Gaspe Oil Ventures. They haven’t found oil yet, but when they do we’ll all be millionaires.

MAID I believe in keeping money in circulation.

~

PAT and MIKE

PAT When I get my money, I’ve got half a mind to invest in a new set of false teeth.

MIKE I would use the money to buy myself a hearing aid. But there’s a whole lot going on around here that I don’t much want to listen to . . .

~

ATHLETE (jogging, half-singing) Money . . . money . . . money . . . money . . . money . . . money.

(Suddenly they are all gone and the stage is empty)

BLACKOUT

Whoopee!

(Lights up on the “Quartet”—MAYOR, PREACHER, BANKER, CLUBWOMAN)

MAYOR One thing I have learned from a lifetime of politcs. No matter what you fall into, you gotta try to come out smelling like a rose. Well, folks, I am happy to tell you that’s the way everything smells in Garden Spot—rosy!

PREACHER Remember it is more blessed to give than to receive. Give freely as the collection plate passes buy. Give thanks that these winged creatures have come here to bring us joy and prosperity.

BANKER As it says in the Good Book: “Thou wicked and slothful servant! Thou shouldst have put my money with the bankers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own back with interest!” Who says that banking isn’t a spiritual business? Garden Spot is booming! Garden Spot is blooming! If I could sing and dance, you can bet I would . . .

CLUBWOMAN Thank you very much for your most pleasant report, Madame Treasurer. And now our guest speaker, Dr. Jerry Scrunch, who will speak to us on the subject of “The Humble Buzzard and the History of the World.”

MAYOR Now, now, now boys! Take it easy. You know I can’t say definitely and unequivocably at this time that I will be a candidate for the office of Governor for this state. But if it is the will of the people, well, I’ll sure have to give it some serious consideration.

PREACHER Only yesterday this Bishop said to me, “Henry, I do believe you have the most generous bunch of contributing Christians in the whole entire diocese.”

BANKER (singing) “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way . . .”

CLUBWOMAN Our beloved and creative Treasurer has come up with a wonderful idea for the forthcoming Rites of Spring Bazaar. We shall sponsor a good old-fashioned Roman orgy. Bring your own grapes, girls!

BLACKOUT

This is Real Life?

(Lights up on the original “park scene.” Characters are now bored and weary. Either address the audience directly, or each other.)

ATHLETE (to audience) My feet are killing me. I am so bored and sore from running around this silly park that I don’t care if I ever take any exercise again. (exit)

COP (to audience) I wish they would at least put a bank robbery in script or something. Anything! We don’t even have any crime around here any more. Nobody has time for it. (exit)

MAID My baby carraige is broken. The Director promised to have it fixed and he promised me a new doll for my carriage. He promised! Big Deal! At least he could find a real baby for me to push around. (exit)

PAT and MIKE (to each other)

PAT That young whippersnapper of a script editor told me to cut out my accent. “Get rid of the phony Irish, Mac,” he says. Goddamn it, Mike, I am Irish. And my name ain’t Mac.

MIKE You think you got troubles? The Assistant Director had the nerve to tell me to quit acting so damned decrepit. As if I wanted to hobble around here like an old scarecrow. Tell me something, Pat.

PAT What?

MIKE Do you ever get tired of playing checkers?

PAT I’m sick of it.

MIKE I wonder . . . couldn’t we be playing some other game—like dominos maybe—next time?

PAT I doubt it.

MIKE Cards, maybe. Gin rummy?

PAT Nope.

MIKE How come?

PAT Because the script says that we are playing checkers.

MIKE I hate the script. And I hate checkers, too.

PAT You know, it’s just the same as we used to do. It’s all the same thing we used to say and do.

MIKE Yeah, only now we get paid for it.

PAT Yep.

MIKE Takes most of the fun out of things, don’t it?

PAT Who said it’s supposed to be fun?

MIKE Well, it used to be, didn’t it?

(They go out. Leaving only the BOY and GIRL on stage. They are sitting on a bench, evidently studying scripts. Abruptly, he snaps his script closed and tosses it aside.)

GIRL What’s the matter with you?

BOY Buzzards . . . I hate buzzards.

GIRL Oh, I thought maybe you were feeling bad about your crummy performance.

BOY Listen, I am warning you. The next time you cut off my line right in the middle . . .

GIRL Your line? Who cares? It’s my scene. Anybody could say your lines.

BOY Well, you just try it with “anybody” and see what happens.

GIRL I may do that. I may get to play my scene with “somebody,” if you know what I mean.

BOY I don’t. And I couldn’t care less.

GIRL Maybe you will care when a real professional actor comes along and takes your place.

BOY Who said anything about professional actors? They promised us.

GIRL Well, they can’t help it if some people in this town haven’t got an ounce of talent.

BOY What do you know about professional actors?

GIRL I just heard a rumor, that’s all. From a very reliable source. I feel perfectly secure.

BOY Girls like you are a dime a dozen. A dime a dozen. There’s thousands and thousands of them. Do you know what they call them? They call them ingénues!

GIRL I hate you! You don’t really think . . . ?

BOY Think what?

GIRL That I could be, you know, like . . . replaced?

BOY Baby, you will be among the first to go.

GIRL I hate you! You are horrible! I hate you!

(She runs offstage. BOY picks up his script and follows.)

BOY Wait a minute, Princess!

BLACKOUT

(In the dark the sound of a phone ringing. Lights up on the MAYOR talking on the phone. Or a toy phone . . . )

MAYOR Hello? Who wants to know? Time magazine. You’re really from Time magazine? Well, this is him, I mean, this is he, the Mayor, speaking. Well now, you know I’ve always been a firm and dedicated believer in the First Amendment and the freedom of the press. Yes, Siree! You want a picture of me. I’ve got a real good one taken at the World’s Fair, 1939 . . . Go ahead. Ask me anything . . . What? What’s that? Listen here, young fella, I don’t know where you dug up dirt like that, but there’s not a word of truth in it. I deny it categorically . . . Who’s word are you going to take—the Mayor of Garden Spot or some dumb blonde by the name of Dreama, the Denver Bombshell? . . . Oh yeah? Well, that’s what she says . . . Don’t you even want to hear my side of the story? You don’t? . . . Listen, print one word of that and I’ll sue. I’ll sue your ass off!

(He hangs up. Then dials. Phone rings. Lights up on the BANKER also. Who answers the phone.)

MAYOR Hello, it’s me again.

MAYOR and BANKER

MAYOR Just be reasonable. All I am asking is a short-term loan. As soon as I get re-elected, I’ll repay you in full.

BANKER Well, I’d like to oblige you, good buddy. But I can’t.

MAYOR What do you mean? I’ve got a major political campaign to finance.

BANKER Maybe some other bank will help you out.

MAYOR What other bank? You’re the only bank in town. Listen, you are planning to support me, to vote for me, aren’t you?

BANKER When I stop to think of all the responsibilities and burdens, the grief, misery, and woe that go along with high political office, I feel it’s my moral duty, as an old friend, to try to spare you from all that.

MAYOR You ungrateful bum! Remember all the times I bailed you out of trouble. Have you forgotten that time you bet five hundred big fat bucks on a certain sway-backed horse named “Lonesome Sailor”?

BANKER That was in my lost and impetuous youth.

MAYOR And that five hundred dollars was somebody else’s money.

BANKER Now you are going to force me to remind you of a certain little event from the past. Do you have any clear recognition of the Sate Fair of 1948?

MAYOR What? I’ll admit I was drunk. Somebody put some whiskey in my sassparilla . . .

BANKER No doubt it was a very blond, very entertaining young lady who went by the name of Precious Diamond from Dubuque.

MAYOR It isn’t fair to dig up a lot of ancient history like that.

BANKER I read all about it in Time magazine.

MAYOR What is the Press trying to do to this country? They are attempting to undermine all lawful authority and to destabilize the government. Don’t you realize I have to uphold the banner of public morality?

(BANKER laughs loudly.)

MAYOR Wait a minute! What’s so fucking funny about public morality?

BLACKOUT

(Ringing of phone. Lights up on CLUBWOMAN and PREACHER talking on phone)

CLUBWOMAN Reverend, I’m glad you called. Because I’m afraid we can’t have a Church Rummage Sale this year. None of the ladies have any old clothes. Anyway, who needs charity in Garden Spot any more?

PREACHER What I really want to talk to you about, Mabel, is the Altar Guild. It’s practically defunct.

CLUBWOMAN (shocked) Oh! I never dreamed I would live to see the day when a word like that escaped your lips.

PREACHER Defunct? What’s wrong with defunct?

CLUBWOMAN There! You said it again. Twice!

PREACHER What about the Altar Guild?

CLUBWOMAN Oh, well. With Katie Everose gone to bask in the sun on the French Riviera . . . Can’t you just picture Katie in a bikini bathing suit? No, excuse me, I mean even if you can, you shouldn’t. Anyway, with Katie over there and Lucy Fry over in Hong Kong . . .

PREACHER What about you, Mabel?

CLUBWOMAN Sunday is my only day to rest.

PREACHER I’m surprised at you.

CLUBWOMAN I have to do my nails sometime.

PREACHER You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

CLUBWOMAN Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, too. Browbeating and manipulating a good and faithful member of your congregation like me. And then using words like defunct . . . like that. Anyway, the last time I went to church there were only two people there. I was one of them. And the other one wandered in by mistake. A tourist or something . . .

PREACHER (sadly) I guess nobody needs me any more.

CLUBWOMAN Don’t feel bad. Nobody needs any of us any more. We are all much too successful for all that.

BLACKOUT

(Lights up on all four of them. All are shouting at each other.)

BANKER You couldn’t get elected County Dogcatcher, you old reprobate!

MAYOR I would put my money in a Beautyrest Mattress before I’d leave it in your bank!

PREACHER The women of this town are strutting and sashaying right down the primrose path of perdition!

CLUBWOMAN Defrocked! That’s what you ought to be—defrocked, destabilized and defenestrated!

ALL I never want to talk to you again!

BLACKOUT

(Lights up on JACK and JILL in the park. JILL enters, obviously in a hurry.)

JACK Jill! Jill Worthy! Where are you going in such a hurry?

JILL I am trying to get back to the Library. I still have to get ready for the show. They always leave everything in such a mess . . . Oh, I finally found The Joy of Sex for you.

JACK Wonderful! Where did you find it?

JILL Hidden right behind Doctor Spock. Who would ever think of looking there?

JACK Whoever put it there. Say, somebody’s going to be mighty disappointed. (Notices that she seems troubled, distracted.) What’s wrong, Jill? What’s the matter? You can tell me.

JILL This show has ruined my Library. Now they have decided that all the books have to be pink. Looks better on T.V. Do you have any idea what kinds of books come in pink? A whole generation is going to grow up thinking that there aren’t any good books.

JACK If they grow up thinking anything at all . . .

JILL (continuing) And now I have to wear glasses. I don’t need glasses. I can see just fine without them. But the Assistant Director says I have to because all Librarians are supposed to wear glasses. He comes from Hollywood. But I guess the worst thing of all about the Library is that nobody reads anything any more. They just pretend to when they’re on camera.

JACK So what else is new? You weren’t under the delusion that people read anything in this advanced civilization, were you? I mean, who’s got time to waste on a book?

JILL Jack, can’t you see what this is doing to all of us?

JACK (sarcastic) Why, we’re all in this together. We are a team. Even I have status in the community.

JILL Jack Peterkin—known to television audiences throughout the world as a lovable town drunk.

JACK Richest drunken bum this side of California. And you know what else? I haven’t touched a drop in ages. Guess what I’ve got in my bottle. Cold tea. A man’s gotta stay sober to remember his lines.

JILL Then you are just pretending, too, like everyone else.

JACK Well, I’m an actor now.

JILL At least you had a certain kind of pride once—the pride of rejecting everything.

JACK And now?

JILL I don’t know. I’m not sure about anything any more.

EARPHONES (off stage voice) Hey, where the hell is the Librarian? Get the Librarian in a hurry. We got the camera and lights all set up and we’re ready to roll. Tell her to get the lead out!

JILL Oh, God, I’m so confused . . .

(She runs off stage, forgetting her new glasses.)

JACK Hey, Jill, wait for me! You forgot your glasses . . .

(He runs out after her.)

BLACKOUT

Where Do We Go From Here?

(Park scene. All present and apathetic. EARPHONES enters as if late. Shouting and distracted . . .)

EARPHONES Places! Places! On the double! Places, damn it!

EARPHONES (to STRANGER, giving him script changes) Coupla changes. We’re going to cut the church bit completely. Rod has written in some kind of a wife-swapping party.

EARPHONES (hurriedly moving to address the audience) Ladies and Gentlemen. We are like fighting the, you know, clock. Bear with us, please. And, above all, remember that, no matter what happens, when I hold up this sign . . . (Inadvertently he holds up the “BOO! HISS!” sign), you do it. One time now for rehearsal. Let’s hear it everybody!

(He discovers he has got the wrong sign. Stuffs it in trash can.)

EARPHONES (to cast) Are you creeps ready? Bring up the park theme, David. Okay, two to get ready and four to go. Rolling!

(STRANGER enters, already in midst of his spiel . . .)

STRANGER And now let us see a typical day in the Park.

(From beginning to end everything goes wrong. ATHLETE trips and falls. COP drops his nightstick. MAID abruptly bursts into tears and thrusts the rag doll into the astounded COP’s arms. She runs off. He looks around, confused, then chases after her, blowing loudly on his police whistle . . .)

EARPHONES (Quick, David! Gimme a two-shot of the lovebirds.)

(BOY and GIRL enter, strolling, hand in hand.)

GIRL But how do I know you are really sincere?

BOY You don’t. And that’s the beauty of it.

GIRL (flustered) Well, I admire sincerity in a man.

BOY Yeah? Well, all your stupid sincerity makes me want to throw up.

(She slaps his face. He slaps her back. She runs off stage. He chases after her.)

EARPHONES Cut to the two old crooks!

(PAT and MIKE at checker table.)

MIKE Nice day, huh, Pat?

PAT Maybe you think so. As far as I’m concerned, it stinks.

MIKE Personally, I like the warm weather.

PAT You would. “Personally, I like the warm weather. Personally, I like the warm weather.” You stupid old goat! MIKE You better take that back.

PAT Why, you stupid old goat? What are you going to do about it?

(MIKE knocks over the checker table. They begin to hit each other with their canes.)

(STRANGER steps forward as if addressing a camera.)

STRANGER And now for a direct, person-to-person, live interview with one of the natives.

EARPHONES Gimme a tight close shot of the Drunken Bum!

JACK (to EARPHONES) Don’t call me a drunken bum, you . . . drunken bum!

(STRANGER steps close, as if separating him from EARPHONES.)

STRANGER I wonder if I might have a word with you, my good man.

JACK (shaking fist at EARPHONES) Phony bastard! (to STRANGER) Huh? What did you say?

STRANGER Can we talk? Can we have a calm and rational conversation?

JACK By all means. Be my guest. That’s what I get paid for, isn’t it?

STRANGER Surprise! Surprise! You’re on T.V. “THIS IS REAL LIFE!”

JACK Permit me to deal with your inane and inconsequential remarks one at a time. In the first place, it is not in the least bit surprising to me to discover that I am on television. I spend a good deal of my time these days performing in front of your infernal camera. Secondly . . .

STRANGER Thank you very much. And now . . .

JACK Secondly, I am not all certain, myself, what real life is or may be. But whatever it may be, it does not appear in any way, shape, or form on this incredibly stupid and silly program.

EARPHONES Cut to the Bank! Bring up the Bank Theme! Idiots! You’re all fired! Fired! Fired!

BLACKOUT

(Park scene. All enter as if gathering for a town meeting.)

MAYOR Well, now. I guess everybody knows why this emergency town meeting had to be called. But before we get underway, I would like to take this opportunity to say on behalf of myself and the Town Council that it is with a deep sense of regret . . .

BANKER Get to the point!

PREACHER A-men!

CLUBWOMAN Be more extinct, please.

MAYOR And so, without further preamble or ado . . .

(STRANGER steps forward. Pushes the MAYOR easily aside and takes charge.)

STRANGER Today you ridiculous people became restive and rebellious and ruined a perfectly good show. Fortunately—and no thanks to you—it was only on videotape. Do you know what would happened if this had been live? Do you have any idea what would happened if something like this took place on the Broadway stage?

BANKER This ain’t no theater!

PREACHER This is our home town!

MAYOR This is off-Broadway!

CLUBWOMAN And all the world’s a stage!

(STRANGER waves cane at them one at a time and all are silenced.)

STRANGER Thank you . . . Thank you . . . Thanks very much. Now then, allow me to correct your misapprehension. Once upon a time this place may have well been your “home town.” But at the moment it happens to be nothing more or less than a theatrical experience. Do you know why you stopped being typical and ordinary people in an all-too-typical and ordinary town? Do you know why your lives became a show? I shall tell you. In a word, ladies and gentlemen, the answer is—money! Your lives may be empty, your souls may have diminished to the size and significance of a single dry-roasted peanut, but all the time your bank accounts have been growing and growing and growing.

BANKER If I may be allowed to speak for the entire populace here in the Garden Spot, but I think that we all would have to agree that, all things considered, we never had it so good.

STRANGER Believe me, I hate to have to resort to threats and intimidation. Because, when all is said and done, I much prefer to [conduct] my kind of business cheerfully, with a firm handshake and a nice smile. But I am warning you here and now. If this script has become, in the colorful jargon of our profession, too “plain vanilla” for you, then we shall have to make it more interesting.

MAYOR Just what do you have in mind, good buddy?

STRANGER Consider. Consider that thus far our feathered friends have not been invited to participate at all. Except, of course, passively. By just being there.

PREACHER You don’t mean . . . that?

STRANGER The public, the mass audience is so jaded nowadays. It takes something different, and impressive, to attract attention and raise eyebrows. Well, I can easily imagine some very unusual, not to say sensational, possibilities. Suppose, for the sake of argument, we were simply to take full advantage of the natural appetites and instincts of our visitors.

BANKER What are you talking about?

STRANGER Perhaps we ought to give these buzzards something to do.

VOICES No! No! Not that! Anything but that!

BANKER Wait a minute, everybody! Hold it! He may have a pretty good idea there. We could kill, if you’ll pardon the expression, two birds with one stone. We could tighten up the show. And at the same time, we could get rid of a whole lot of deadbeats, misfits, oddballs, radicals, and bums.

STRANGER There is nothing very dramatic about a public execution. Seen one and you’ve seen them all. Oh, of course, the first few times it would be a novelty. But, then, the best part would be when these huge ugly birds came flapping and fluttering down to do their part.

VOICES No! No! Please! Please stop! Horrible!

(He waves his cane and creates instant silence.)

STRANGER To make it really work, to keep it interesting, we would have to have some solid suspense. An element of pure, implacable chance. Perhaps some kind of a lottery.

BANKER and MAYOR Us?

CLUBWOMAN Surely not the ladies! PREACHER Me, too?

(STRANGER silences them with a cane.)

STRANGER Everybody! Except, of course, myself . . . There is an alternative, however. We can begin anew tomorrow and play our good old script as it has never been played before. Put your hearts and souls into it, into every line, every gesture, every movement. You are being given one more opportunity to play life as it really is. Play it as if it really mattered!

(A conductor’s motion of the cane frees them. And all cheer. Then another gesture of the cane cuts them off.)

STRANGER Play your life as if it had meaning, as if it mattered. Whether it does or not . . . Any questions? Does anyone wish to add anything?

BANKER Thank you sir. You won’t regret giving us another chance.

CLUBWOMAN Speaking on behalf of you-know-who, I want you to know that we anonymously agree that your important remarks were purely and simply superfluous.

MAYOR I know I’m speaking for everyone here in Garden Sport when I say I’m going right straight home and study my part like a madman!

(All start to leave. STRANGER freezes them one last time with cane.)

STRANGER Remember, dear hearts, this my be your last chance to play comedy . . .

(Makes sign with cane.)

No, go. Go. Go!

(He laughs as they rush off. Then he notices that JACK is still there.)

STRANGER And why aren’t you rejoicing with the multitude? Why aren’t you off and running with the common herd?

JACK As you may have noticed, I am not much of a joiner. And, to be honest, I really don’t feel much like rejoicing about anything. Besides which, and much more to the point, the only thing I have to console myself with is this cold tea.

(STRANGER points with his cane, like a magic wand, at JACK’s bottle.)

STRANGER Now try it.

(JACK takes a swig and reacts.)

JACK That’s hundred proof sour mash.

STRANGER No. Actually it’s bourbon. If you prefer sour mash . . .

JACK I’m not what anyone would call finicky. Anything alcoholic will do.

STRANGER Feeling better?

JACK Not much. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, and I’m not. The thing is, when I drink, I change, but the world doesn’t.

STRANGER Oh dear, don’t tell me you want to try to change the world.

JACK Afraid so. Even at this late and damn near terminal stage.

STRANGER Well, you surely have your work cut out for you.

JACK You know something? You were really something up there—waving your wonderful baton around. Like an orchestra conductor. The Leonard Bernstein of corruption!

STRANGER Not bad. I’ve never been called that before.

JACK The Lawrence Welk of pure evil.

STRANGER Now, I resent that. However, since you have chosen to mention corruption and evil—subjects with which, may I say in all modesty and humility, I have a more than passing acquaintance . . .

JACK That’s it exactly—evil.

STRANGER What have I done? I ask you. I haven’t created anything new. I haven’t made anything happen that wouldn’t have happened anyway, one way or the other. Now, you’ll have to agree with that.

JACK And if I agree?

STRANGER Why then it follows with the impeccable logic of an elegant equation that everything, all that you call corruption, was already there, completely at home in their own heads and just waiting for the appropriate occasion to be focused. Or, as you say, conducted.

JACK In that case, what about you, my friend?

STRANGER Oh, I am merely another figment of the popular imagination. It is the cross I have to bear. But I am available for all kinds of occasions—storm, drought, flood, fire . . . I am here for a plague of locusts or . . . buzzards. When, again, on the other hand, my proper occasion may be a very small one—a flat tire, for example, or a slight increase in the pollen count, or maybe a tummy ache, a little indigestion.

JACK You really hate us don’t you?

STRANGER Who?

JACK Mankind. STRANGER On the contrary. I am often dazzled with admiration. You mortal men have somehow mastered the secrets of stars and atoms. You can circle the earth in orbit. Or you can blow it up if you want to, any time you feel like it. But whenever the wholly unexpected event occurs, that thing just beyond your power to control or understand, then I am here, ready to serve. Mankind needs me.

JACK I don’t need you.

STRANGER I’m aware of that. And I’m willing to concede that you are a difficult challenge.

JACK All right listen. You may not be real. But they are!

(Points to buzzards.)

STRANGER True, true, all too true. They are depressingly real. But then they are just buzzards. For the Mayor and the Banker and the Preacher, for all the others, these visitors have assumed a significance weighted with meaning and implication. It is the natural propensity of these sweet and simple people, to whom, let me assure you, I am completely devoted, to label anything and everything they do not understand. And, my dear young man, the more redundantly profound and opaque the label, the more satisfying it seems to be for them. Why, even I have been assigned the deep significance of being a kind of symbol. How very dreary.

JACK Yes, it must be. And sad, too. I think it must be terribly sad not to have any life of your own, not even to be able to waste it. Not to be able to love and hate, to win and lose . . . .

STRANGER Please don’t waste any sympathy on me. I may not have your freedom, but, nevertheless, I have . . . the baton. I am a little like a genie in a bottle, helpless until they pull out the stopper and make a wish. But once they call on me, they belong to me. They are all mine.

JACK We’ll see about that.

STRANGER Yes, we will, won’t we. And soon enough. But now, the witching hour approaches and it’s bedtime for me. Pleasant dreams . . .

(STRANGER strolls off. JACK takes a long pull at the bottle. Then turns to address the buzzards.)

JACK Friends, things seem to be going from bad to worse in old Garden Spot. But, then, I don’t need to tell you, do I? I guess it isn’t news to you. You have seen it all. You and I, we live in a bad world getting worse. And there are times when a man can’t keep on laughing at everything. I tell you there are times when it would break your heart to be a human being. Times when I would trade places with you in a minute . . . But it doesn’t matter, does it? I mean, there isn’t a whole lot that either one of us can do at this point. Except say goodnight. Well . . . goodnight and sleep . . . tight.

(JACK toasts the buzzards. Then he begins to prepare his sleeping bag.)

BLACKOUT

(Lights up on Park scene. JACK is asleep, but waking up. MAID and COP enter.)

MAID Thanks a million for fixing my baby carriage. And thanks for the new doll, too.

COP You know I would do anything for you, baby.

MAID I wish you and I had some real dialogue like everyone else.

COP We could make some up. You know, like . . . improvise.

MAID Oh, he wouldn’t like that.

COP The hell with him.

MAID Aren’t you afraid after what he said yesterday?

COP Baby, after last night, I feel like I could take on the devil himself.

(They embrace and kiss. During all this, unseen or ignored by them, JACK has been waking up.)

MAID and COP (to each other) Good morning, love . . .

COP Lemme see now. You be pushing the baby carriage. And I’ll be walking across the park, whistling and all.

(They try it.)

MAID Hiya, handsome.

COP No, no, Darlene. Not like that. Remember, we’re not even supposed to know each other yet.

(JACK, stretching, looks up to where the buzzards should be. Reacts to something.)

JACK (softly) Officer?

(They don’t see or hear him.)

COP I’ll be the one to speak first this time, okay?

MAID All right.

(They pass again in the Park.)

COP Top of the morning, ma’am.

MAID Fresh!

JACK Officer?

COP Darlene, you’re supposed to be friendly, too. We’re both like . . . friendly people. Now all you gotta do is smile and . . .

JACK Officer, they are all gone!

COP Hey, Jack, don’t interrupt right now, huh? Me and Darlene are rehearsing a new scene.

JACK They have all gone away.

COP What did you say? Who?

JACK Look! Look! They’ve gone. There’s not a one of them left.

MAID I guess they all just flew away.

COP Oh, my GOD! Help! HELP!

(He begins blasting on the whistle.)

MAID Is all this going in the scene too?

COP Honey, they have gone. The have really fucking gone . . .

(The Townspeople begin running on stage. Reacting.)

PREACHER What hath God wrought?

BANKER Thousands and thousands of dollars! Just flying away in the sky.

VOICES Come back! Ungrateful buzzards! Crummy vultures! Come back! Please come back!

CLUBWOMAN Rally round the flag, girls! Anybody seen a flag we can rally around?

PREACHER I’d be happy to lead a prayer if it would do any good.

(MAYOR enters and moves to take charge. It’s another town meeting.)

MAYOR Quiet . . . quiet, please . . . Shut up! Now then, what seems to be the problem around here?

MAID They’ve gone.

COP Your honor, the sons of a bitches have flew the coop!

MAYOR Who? . . . Oh NO.

VOICES Don’t just stand there. Do something about it. What are you going to do?

MAYOR I hereby declare this to be an official disaster. But try to remember, everybody, there is no disaster from which some glimmer of hope cannot be salvaged. (suddenly singing) “Every cloud must have a silver lining . . .”

BANKER Shut up, you old fool!

CLUBWOMAN Girls! The least we can do is to demonstrate our feelings.

MAYOR Mabel, please, for God’s sake. No more demonstrations. Please. We’ve got enough trouble around here already . . . .

(Suddenly the STRANGER enters. Brisk and chipper and smiling.)

STRANGER Good morning. Good morning, dear hearts.

BANKER What’s so good about it? We have just been ruined.

STRANGER Really?

PREACHER How can you stand there and smirk and smile at this tragic hour?

STRANGER I haven’t been ruined.

CLUBSWOMAN Besides, you are interrupting.

STRANGER Well, please don’t let me interrupt anything. Continue, if you please. Go ahead and make complete fools out of yourselves, just as if I weren’t here to laugh at you.

VOICES Fools? What’s that? You can’t call us fools!

BANKER It’s all his fault. Everything was fine until he came along.

VOICES Yeah! His fault! Let’s get him! Make him pay!

(As a surge against him begins, the STRANGER freezes them in their tracks with his cane.)

STRANGER What is the meaning of this raucous and vulgar spectacle? Now, then, perhaps you are ready to listen to the good news I have brought you. Ladies and gentleman, I am very happy to be able to report that when the buzzards departed from Garden Spot, they did not simply vanish into the empty air. And they didn’t even fly very far. At present they are comfortably roosting in another town.

(STRANGER “frees” them with a motion of his cane. And they react.)

VOICES What’s that? You call that good news? Where? Where? Where did they go?

STRANGER The people of that little town are, frankly, degenerate. They do not know how to cope with the situation. I have just been on the phone talking with the Mayor.

MAYOR Is he a Republican or what?

STRANGER He would like to hire us, all of us, to come at once and perform our buzzard script there. At least until his own local talent has acquired sufficient training and experience and has gotten used to the birds.

MAYOR Then what?

BANKER Yeah, what do we do after that — go on welfare?

STRANGER I have arranged a contract for us to continue as consultants, and there’s a profit-sharing plan.

VOICES Hurray! Let’s go! Where? Just tell us where!

STRANGER Do you promise to be very, very good? Do you promise to do exactly what you are supposed to? And no ad libbing? No improvisations?

VOICES Yes, yes! Anything! We’ll do anything!

STRANGER I don’t know whether I should tell you people or not.

VOICES For God’s sake! Please! Please!

CLUBWOMAN Pretty please with sugar on it!

STRANGER Dear hearts, when the friendly buzzards left here, they flew directly to . . . Centerville!

(Or he names the town where this play is being performed . . . )

(There is a momentary stunned pause. As if he had frozen them again with his cane. Which he has not. The BANKER reacts first.)

BANKER Last one there is a rubber check!

(He runs away. The others, shooed now and directed by the STRANGER’S cane, follow after him. In their hurry, they leave odds and ends behind. The MAID leaves the baby carriage. In a moment all are gone except for JACK.)

STRANGER Coming?

JACK Thanks anyway.

STRANGER Pity. I would have enjoyed getting to know you better.

(He exits.)

(JACK sits down on a bench, pulls hat over eyes. After a moment JILL enters. She sits on a park bench, opens a book to read. Sensing her presence, JACK reacts, looks up, sees her.)

JACK Well, well, well. Miss Worthy. Why aren’t you running off to Centerville?

JILL Why aren’t you?

JACK How long do you plan to stay here?

JILL Oh, I don’t know . . . a while, I guess . . . as long as you’ll have me.

JACK Do you mean that?

JILL Uh-huh.

JACK That’s great!

JILL Just wonderful!

JACK I can’t believe it!

JILL It’s true!

(They kiss.)

JACK Dear old Garden Spot. Now we can start all over.

JILL We can make something wonderful out of this old place.

JACK And we can have fun . . . fun! . . . fun! I hereby declare every day a legal holiday. We’ll ride the merry-go-round and eat cotton candy and go to the zoo. We’ll play “Monopoly” with real money in the bank. And I shall sit on the bench in the courthouse, oh very stern and solemn like a judge, and sentence us both to years and years, a lifetime of joy!

JILL Yes, of course, darling. We’ll have fun. But first . . .

JACK (rightly suspicious) But first what?

JILL (cheerfully taking command) First there are a few basic things that have to be done. You’ll need a clean shirt and, yes, a necktie. I can’t remember seeing you with a necktie.

(JACK feels his neck uneasily, as if a noose were being placed around it. JILL has begun to tidy up the Park.)

JILL And we’ll fix up the park. We’ll plant flowers over there and maybe a tree right there . . .

JACK Not an apple tree?

JILL And there’s the clock to be repaired. And so many, many things that must be done . . . Come along, let’s go see if Miss Ida forgot to lock up the Friendly Boarding House for once in her life.

(She takes JACK by the hand. Starts to lead him away. Notices the baby carriage.)

JILL Might as well bring that along. We’ll be needing it some day.

(JILL exits. JACK stands a moment with the carriage. Smiles and shrugs and skips off behind JILL, pushing the carriage before him . . .)

(Once they are gone, the lights dim and change to suggest a vague, dreamlike quality. Then a single spot reveals the smiling STRANGER. Now, moving like sleepwalkers or zombies, directed and frozen in place by his cane, all the others, except JACK and JILL, take their original places.)

STRANGER (to audience) Soon we shall be ready. And in just a moment our story will begin again. As it must begin and end and begin again, world without end. And all this beginning and ending takes place during that little wink of light that we call a life-time . . . But I don’t intend to be gloomy and philosophical. It’s not my nature. I have a real understanding, a deep sympathy for all forms of human weakness. And, after all, our subject this time was only folly . . . I won’t say good-bye. Farewells are always so depressing. And besides I haven’t got the slightest doubt that I’ll be seeing you again.

(Pointing around the audience with his cane.)

And you . . . and you . . . and you, too. Oh, I am bound and determined to see all of you lovely people sooner or later. Look for me when you see me . . . Arrivederci , au revoir , auf wiedersehen . . . Lots of luck!

(He motions with his cane, unfreezing the characters, as he briskly exits. The routine of the original Park Scene begins. EARPHONES runs on stage holding up the “APPLAUSE” sign.)

CURTAIN