Civilization (All You Can Eat)

Civilization (All You Can Eat)

A slash (“/”) means an interruption. The following line of dialogue should begin when one appears. A double-slash (“//”) indicates simultaneous dialogue.

Ellipses (“ . . .”) indicate a (usually) nonverbal reaction that has the impact of a line of dialogue.

Video and audio are periodically suggested but not absolutely necessary. However, place should mostly be indicated by sound and light rather than set or costume.

There are dances in this play. The descriptions of the dances are meant to be evocative and not literal, but there should be actual choreography involved. As a general rule, the harder the performers are working, the more enjoyable the dance will be for the audience.

0. The System Is Needed and so Is Its Excess

(MUSIC: Something haunting, ambient. Maybe Animal Collective or The Olivia Tremor Control. The ENSEMBLE comes out and does something: a simple physical gesture that frames the event as performance. They wear street clothes, either their own or whatever their main character wears.

The music is very, very loud and getting louder. It crescendos. An ensemble member dons the BIG HOG mask or costume. Music abruptly cuts out, if it hasn’t already. Lights fade.)

1. Big Hog

(Semidarkness. We can’t quite make out what’s going on, but it’s terrible. It is a factory hog farm. Distant light, distant machine sounds, closer animal sounds.

BIG HOG speaks.)

BIG HOG BIG HOG! BIG HOG BIG HOG BIG HOG BIG HOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big Hog sees oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Big Hog looks hears and knows about three but also there is one more! Guh huh Big Hog chews the pink tail pink cause Big Hog sees it. BIG HOG!!!! Huh huh huh Smells it when light comes through the cold air BIG HOG dance nakeded in the cold air, someday soon, not you cause you don’t see like Big Hog sees and know like Big Hog knows, huh huh huh. All see the three ones: Food Feces Knife But Big Hog sees the other come when hurt. THE HEAL You see now huh huh huh Cause Big Hog got plan green like a quiver mountain quiver See one hill to another WHOLE WAY yeah breathe cold air but free big OUT

(he basks; beat)

There are places and different kind of places and BIG HOG alone will see them Big Hog hears all!!! Listen to the words I know. Table Glass Artichoke Folderol Panic YOU hey you You know where you are? You don’t know but BIG HOG knows Big Hog alone will travel the wide world There are places and different kind of places and BIG HOG alone will see them Big Hog hears all!!!

(sings, kind of)

WASTED A RAY GUN ON MARGARITA-VULL

(stops singing)

One come in one go out, you don’t see but BIG HOG sees. One come in, none go out, all go out, knife then pink to red, can smell if you want but you don’t want, big light noise and truck. Other time Big Hog saw need MOVE saw MOVE chew thing like hard, like machine on teeth, like RR RR RR RR ^^^^^ Huh BITE YOUR TAIL SOW say huh huh huh huh ^^^^^^^^^^ Smell like a like a eff smell and tear into pink the uh the uh And she scream HOWWWWWWWWWWWW And KICK and KICK but that not stop Big Hog, he chew: RR RR RR ^^^^^^^^^^^ RR RR RR RR ^^^^^ @@@@@@@@ HUH huh huh huh Huh

(Beat. He has created a minor riot of noise and disturbance among the other pigs. He waits for it to settle down.)

BIG HOG Big Hog will know you some day Sit down and eats you at a civilized table

(pause, for effect)

Only Big Hog know fourth one FOUR!!!! THERE ARE FOUR NUMBERS AND BIG HOG KNOWS ALL!! Got a machine gots HOT like HOT Sow cry HOWWWWWWWW @@@@@@@@@ Fourth one got machine, he squeeze, she scream HOWWWWWW. Burn, SSSSSSSS screams @@@@@@@@@. Take out spike, stick in wound, stuff comes out, stuff goes in, sow go HOWWWWW then quiet. Big Hog sees. A shining nothing. A steady lake, a courteous occasion, huh huh huh huh Big Hog got thoughts oh yeah Big Hog learns things A hurt mended sow a hurt mended cage a hurt mended BIG HOG. Big Hog smells a single buttered flower. Outside cold cracked wet stone there is a wide world huh huh Big Hog has learned all the things in the world. They are: Dogs, pigs, oranges, canoes, mountains, otters, trees, fine woods, moons, a knife in the sky, red meat, jelly, excuses, colored hats, custard, a tables, lace, fairy seas, kindness, sugar, cups, nuts, roofs, an owl, owls, menus, shame, a pea, a cloak, an umbrella, stamps, a plate, an occasion for a plate, wings, a purse, a feather, bags, things in between, an organ, mutton, milk, china, the shape of a muscle, clear soup, a pastry, a whore, pain, a chair, Bossa Nova, milk, a climate, a cake, a cake, a cakes, ethics, mud, albums, a loops, garages, a poster, communication, cracking, ones who see, habits, a pedal, representation, growth, names, a saw, hammers, the truck, the club, teeth, musics, pipes, walls, anus, chefs, turnips, stumps, envy, and a wren. BIG HOG is gonna touch every one of those things Some of them he’s gonna eat. Big Hog gets free, goes to the red woods, sees the wide world Save you some taste of man, you will see But first we got to bite Big Hog

(he bites himself)

Come on ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Come on ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ BIG HOG!!!!

(End scene.)

2. We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident

(GEORGE WASHINGTON, played by a woman, sits at a vaguely colonial-looking desk holding a quill pen over a piece of parchment paper. The costumes should look cheap and fake.)

GEORGE WASHINGTON We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men are created equal.

(THOMAS JEFFERSON enters. He is played by a man of color, possibly but not necessarily African-American.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON Hold up, Washington.

GEORGE WASHINGTON Thomas Jefferson!

THOMAS JEFFERSON What’s that you’re hiding under the constitution?

GEORGE WASHINGTON Why, it’s nothing.

(JEFFERSON grabs the parchment. Underneath, a Twix bar.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON A Twix bar! I thought so.

GEORGE WASHINGTON But—but—we were supposed to share and share alike!

THOMAS JEFFERSON I’ll slap you, George Washington.

ZOE (O.S.) Cut.

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Cut!

ANOTHER VOICE (O.S.)

(more distant)

Cut!

(An alarm bell (like an old-style school bell) rings.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID I’m having trouble getting my mouth around it.

ZOE (O.S.) I noticed.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID I just find it demeaning.

(ZOE enters; she is an African-American woman in contemporary casual dress.)

ZOE It’s not demeaning.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID It’s pretty demeaning, Zoe.

ZOE As it’s been explained to me, this is among the least potentially offensive of all the spots.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID “Bitch slap?”

GEORGE WASHINGTON I’m actually really OK with it.

ZOE It’s supposed to look really fake.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID I don’t want to be difficult. If this had been in the earlier copy I would have brought it up before.

ZOE This is a national spot. I really want to give you this. In light of our history and our friendship I ask that you please do not make me fire you. Please.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID . . . OK.

ZOE Everyone’s just kidding around, OK? Everyone’s in on the joke.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID . . .

ZOE OK, let’s take five, everybody.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Zoe, come on, you don’t have to—

ZOE Clear the set everyone, please.

(Beat. Sounds of the set being emptied. GEORGE WASHINGTON looks witheringly at DAVID.)

GEORGE WASHINGTON I think it’s really funny.

(She exits. A moment.

Silence as ZOE stares at him.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID What.

ZOE . . .

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID I’m sorry. I’m genuinely not trying to be difficult.

ZOE The David I knew had a sense of humor.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Oh what the hell. What is that supposed to mean. I just think, look, a man of my complexion slapping a white woman and calling her a bitch//,

ZOE (overlap) //—you’re not calling her a bitch—//

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID (overlap, continuous) //—isn’t that problematic for you?

ZOE (continuous) —first of all, and second of all, you’re not a man of color and a white woman, you’re George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Seriously? You’re going to tell me that with a straight face.

(pause)

I’m sorry. I don’t even want to have this argument.

ZOE You had the script, you could have turned down the job.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID The initial script wasn’t this bad.

ZOE I know that. Look, David, I’m speaking to you as a friend right now.

(confidentially)

Do you have any idea how popular these spots are? On YouTube, and TiVo, people voluntarily watch them. They send them to each other. Commercials! Do you know how significant that is?

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID How do they even measure something like that?

ZOE How should I know?

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID OK, I’m trying. Seriously. I know the script is set, I know it’s not, whatever, George Bernard Shaw. I’m not arguing with the copy. I’m just trying to explain why I’m choking on the words a little.

ZOE (gently) I need you to be stable for me.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Excuse me?

ZOE I think you heard me.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID You’re really going to play that card?

ZOE Well I would rather it didn’t have to come up, but as long as we’re talking about it, yes, it has been an article of concern for me since I insisted you be hired.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID We can’t even have a regular conversation without bringing my . . . this thing into it?

ZOE I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. You attempted suicide, David.

(Beat.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID You know what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not the guy for this.

(ZOE takes out a handheld device and starts punching at it.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Oh, I’m sorry, did you just get an important text message?

(ZOE keeps poking at it, taking her time, as DAVID grows more agitated and impotent. She finds what she’s looking for.)

ZOE (reading from the device) “Hey Zoe,

Great to see you, I had a lot of fun at the audition. I know it’s a little weird to be so direct, but I’m in pretty dire straits in the whole money department. Anyway, awkward! But if there’s any way you could find it in your heart to give me a shot at this, it’s a great ad campaign and it’ll be even better in your hands.

Best to Mike!

Love, David.”

(Silence. DAVID is not happy with this.)

ZOE (sincere) I’m doing this for you. Do you understand that? We could always find another actor.

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID (swallowing his pride) I really do appreciate that. I am stable, though. It’s not like I’m not stable.

ZOE I know, sweetie. I know.

(beat)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Yeah. Of course, yeah.

ZOE (into a tiny walkie-talkie) Fredericks, could you bring everybody back in, please?

(to DAVID)

I’m glad you’re still with us.

(to all)

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Reset!

(Sounds of the crew re-entering and setting up; ad-lib as needed. A long moment of ZOE and DAVID staring into one another’s eyes.

She takes one last moment to assert her authority.)

ZOE From your entrance, OK?

(DAVID nods.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Reset from Thomas Jefferson!

(DAVID exits.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Two rings!

(The alarm bell rings twice.)

ZOE Roll sound!

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Rolling rolling!

ZOE Action!

(THOMAS JEFFERSON enters.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON/DAVID Hold up, Washington.

GEORGE WASHINGTON Thomas Jefferson!

THOMAS JEFFERSON What’s that you’re hiding under the constitution?

GEORGE WASHINGTON Why, it’s nothing.

(JEFFERSON grabs the parchment. Underneath, there is a Twix bar.)

THOMAS JEFFERSON A Twix bar! I thought so.

GEORGE WASHINGTON But—but—we were supposed to share and share alike!

THOMAS JEFFERSON I’ll bitch-slap you, George Washington.

ZOE (O.S.) Cut.

OFFSTAGE VOICE (O.S.) Cut!

THOMAS JEFFERSON What now?

ZOE (O.S.) It’s “I’m-a bitch slap your ass, George Washington.”

(Blackout.)

(A medium-sized conference room. MIKE, in business casual, gives a speech. Behind him, a large slide reads:

“MAKING CHAOS WORK FOR YOUR ORGANIZATION

Dr. Mike Boyd”

He might have a slide show beyond the title slide, though it’s not necessary. He might be alone onstage, or some of the ensemble might play conference attendees.

If there is a slide, it is of a fractal fern.

MIKE isn’t all that great at this.)

MIKE Hi, thanks. There’s coffee, decaf, and hot water in the back. Feel free to take a second and help yourself to some of the continental breakfast. The Danishes are particularly good, though I really should stay away.

(slaps stomach, laughs)

I want to thank Dr. Lisk for his wonderful introduction, I just wonder who he has me confused with!

(laughs)

No, seriously, I just want to thank everyone for showing up today, even if your bosses made you.

(laughs; abruptly and awkwardly goes into “speaker” mode)

Well, let me begin. Chaos.

(If there are slides, he switches to a picture of a tip vortex from an airplane wing.)

MIKE We all know what it is. We’ve certainly all felt it in action. And you don’t need me to tell you that we’re living in chaotic times. Chaos is with us, and it doesn’t care who it hurts—or helps!

(beat)

I believe a crucial factor in deciding which of these two you are going to be facing is, quite simply, mapping.

(Possible slide—a Lorenz Attractor.)

MIKE You can’t guarantee your business will withstand the inevitable chaos that’s coming. Nor do any of us possess a crystal ball: I can’t predict the future and you can’t either. But what if I told you that you could take steps—necessary steps, that only you can foresee—to brace yourselves? What if I told you that, in case after case, the success stories learned how to glean some sense out of the noise? My eleven-point system can help you learn how to do this. One. We’ve all heard of the butterfly effect, yes? Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the movie, I haven’t either.

(laughs)

But this is a very simple construct describing, basically, a complex system that appears to be entirely random, but has actually been initially impacted by a small, seemingly insignificant event. The event, over time, exponentially alters the system and creates the appearance of randomness: the proverbial butterfly in Africa flapping its wings, eventually causing the tornado in Kansas.

(beat)

It’s the glitch in the plan. The thing you don’t even notice but which one day changes everything completely, irrevocably. The contaminated piece of food. The frayed wire. The kid playing in the blind spot of your car. Dog, I meant to say dog. I’m sorry, that’s upsetting. Dog’s upsetting too, but.

(pause)

The sudden, devastating catastrophe that is going to happen to all of us. Imagine, for a second, just imagine you could see it coming. Not it, exactly, but the outline of it, the silhouette.

(pause)

Think back to a moment you regret, I’m sure you have at least one, I think we all do, and there’s one thing, isn’t there one thing at the center of it, those flapping butterfly wings—imagine if you could go back and fix it.

(beat)

You can’t, you can’t go back and fix it, nobody can. But imagine how different your life would be now if you had a simple computer program, an algorithm right there on the internet for anyone to access and a set of eleven basic principles, and by using these, all of this could have been avoided. Because, because, some people choose to believe that there is no pattern, that we’re passive, uh, victims of faceless forces beyond our control, but this is monstrous. To really imagine it. It’s monstrous. Because then nothing we do matters. But I refuse to accept that. I choose to, to hold on to hope, if it, if it fucking kills me—

(beat)

I’m sorry, I lost myself, that’s not usually part of the uh.

(long pause; this is a disaster)

It’s like they say, chaos is inevitable—except from vending machines! Change. Change is inevitable. Except from . . . vending.

(Long beat. He just stares at us.)

Jesus. What am I . . . I’m sorry.

(He walks off.

End scene.)

(A diner, minimally indicated. DAVID (the guy who played THOMAS JEFFERSON in the Twix commercial) sits and eats with KAREN, a woman in her thirties. DAVID eats something unhealthy looking involving bacon or sausage; KAREN eats a salad, or just drinks tea.

We’re closer to the end of the meal than the beginning.)

KAREN I thought it was really promising. A really, really promising meeting.

DAVID Mm-hmm.

KAREN These things are impossible to predict, but he had a number of contacts he said would be interested. One was at the Learning Channel, another one was at FX, I think. He said he thought they would find it totally compelling.

DAVID Mm. So you would be, like, hunting treasure?

KAREN That’s just the first one. I mean, there’s only one treasure.

DAVID Right.

KAREN Until you ink the deal it’s not officially a deal, but I’m feeling very, very positive.

DAVID (re: his food) You want some?

KAREN I can’t eat that.

DAVID It’s good. Come on, just a little.

KAREN I don’t know how you can eat that stuff and look as good as you do.

DAVID I don’t look that good.

KAREN You look great.

DAVID Come on.

(Pause.)

KAREN So how have you been? I heard you were in the hospital.

DAVID Yeah. So why don’t you just go after the treasure?

KAREN What do you mean?

DAVID Instead of going through all that trouble trying to get a reality show going, why not just try and find the treasure on your own? There’s probably more money in it and the odds of you getting it are probably about the same.

KAREN I don’t, that’s not the point.

DAVID It’s not?

KAREN There probably is no treasure.

DAVID Huh.

KAREN It’s just a premise, like the interesting thing is me, following me as I try to find it.

DAVID Mm.

KAREN And then the next one would be me doing something else.

DAVID Something else?

KAREN Like trying to find a hidden mystery.

DAVID Like what, like Bigfoot or something?

KAREN Probably not Bigfoot.

DAVID Like the Abominable Snowman?

KAREN No monsters.

DAVID You should do monsters, everyone likes monsters.

KAREN No one’s really interested in monsters these days.

DAVID That’s not true. Everyone likes monsters.

KAREN Not at the Network level.

(Pause.)

DAVID (re: a newspaper) What do you think of her?

KAREN Who? Sarah Paley?

DAVID I think it’s Palin.

KAREN I don’t know. Where’s she from, Utah?

DAVID I think she’s from Alaska.

KAREN I don’t know. I guess I admire her, you know, a strong woman. I’m not a Republican or anything.

DAVID Mm.

KAREN What do you think of her?

DAVID I don’t know. I liked Hillary. But I don’t think it should be just any woman. You know? I want to reserve judgment until I know more about her.

(Pause.)

KAREN So how have you been?

DAVID OK.

KAREN I heard you were in the hospital.

DAVID I’m OK.

KAREN I was so worried.

DAVID I just fell in the shower.

KAREN You’re not alone, you know. I’m here for you. If you ever want to talk.

DAVID What happened to me could have happened to anyone.

KAREN It does. Every day. But I’m trying to tell you, you don’t have to go it alone. If you ever feel like it might happen again, all you have to do is call me.

(Pause. A pall.)

DAVID Well uh.

KAREN I heard you were working with Zoe again.

DAVID Yeah, she cast me in a Twix commercial.

KAREN That’s so great.

DAVID Pays the bills.

KAREN I was wondering if you had her most recent number.

DAVID You don’t have it?

KAREN I have an old one.

DAVID I thought you guys had stayed in touch. That’s how it sounded when I told her we were having lunch.

KAREN You know, people drift apart for no reason.

DAVID Yeah. Why do you uh.

KAREN Just to reconnect. And to be honest I really need work right now, I need to make as many contacts as I can.

DAVID OK, it’s not like, you know how commercials are. I mean, I’m sure she’d be happy to help you out any way she could but.

KAREN She’s not going to be directing commercials forever.

DAVID No, that’s true. Have you tried to contact her yourself, like through your agent or something?

KAREN I looked her up on Facebook but she hasn’t accepted my friend request.

DAVID I don’t think she ever checks that, it’s like a work thing or something.

KAREN Yeah that’s what I thought. Because she would have accepted it, right?

DAVID I’m sure.

KAREN So uh.

DAVID OK yeah I’ll put you guys in touch.

(expectant pause)

Oh uh you want it now? I don’t really have it on me.

KAREN It’s not in your phone?

(Pause.)

DAVID Yeah OK I forgot, sorry.

(looks)

(323) 742-3819.

KAREN Great, thank you so much. You are such a champ. Do you have her email?

DAVID Not on me. I’ll send it to you.

(A pall.)

KAREN It’s so nice to see you. I feel like we never see each other anymore.

DAVID Well, you know. That’s just life, you know. People drift apart for no reason.

(Pause.)

KAREN I think you’re really someone special.

DAVID That’s nice of you to say.

KAREN Do you ever feel like you’re made for something different than everyone else?

DAVID Everyone feels that way. That’s why life is so disappointing.

(Beat. KAREN stares out the window.)

KAREN Look at that.

DAVID The parking lot?

KAREN All those people. When I walk down the street I look at people’s faces, and I feel like I can see inside them, I can see past their eyes and really see them. It’s like I can hear their thoughts. I really can hear their thoughts. And everyone is so sad and empty, I look past their faces and it just keeps going down and down and down forever, and they’re all crying out to me to heal them. I can hear them, asking me to heal them, but we can’t break through that barrier, they can’t love themselves and open themselves up enough to let me in. Because we’re strangers, I’m a stranger to them and they’re a stranger to me, and society tells us that we can’t just let ourselves inside of each other that way, it’s not socially acceptable even if that’s what people need. I think whoever wins the election should come up with a federal department of love. That’s why I want to do this reality show. If I could only get this show going I could have a greater presence in the world, I could really begin to do the mission that I’ve been put on this earth to do. At night I can hear all the voices of all the people crying out in their pain and I want to touch them in a way that only I can. I have so much love in my heart.

DAVID OK.

KAREN It’s hard for me. You know? It’s so hard. I have all this love and nowhere to put it.

DAVID Maybe you could volunteer or something.

(Blackout.)

(A small dance, lasting about a minute and featuring only part of the ensemble.

It has an uncanny feel, like the scavengers who salvage toxic rare metals from electronics dumps in Asia or Africa; vaguely insectoid people looking for dangerous treasure in a mountain of garbage.)

(JADE, teens/early twenties, at home. She watches TV (there doesn’t have to be an actual TV; with a few exceptions, most of the stuff in the play should look deliberately fake). It’s a different ad in the same Twix ad campaign.)

TV (V.O.) Bitch, I’ll cut you! Give me back my Twix!

(Bad, deliberately fake sounding gangsta rap, like the joke of the ad is all about clueless white people parodying hip-hop.)

ANNOUNCER VOICE (V.O.) (very white, Don Pardo-sounding) Twix, ahhhhh yeah, bitches!

(JADE makes a face and turns off the TV. She doesn’t like the ad.

She just stares at nothing for a while.

CAROL enters, her mom, holding a couple of cartons of cigarettes: one Parliaments, one of Carltons.)

CAROL Hey Jade.

JADE Hey.

CAROL How was work.

JADE You know. It’s TJ Maxx, so whatever.

CAROL I got you Parliaments.

JADE Thanks mom.

CAROL Julia’s brother works at the airport. He gets them at the duty-free store.

JADE Yeah thanks.

CAROL Did you eat?

(JADE shrugs.)

CAROL I got some Hot Pockets.

(no answer)

We could get a pizza if you want.

JADE I’m going out with Jasko in a little bit.

(CAROL clearly does not approve.)

What? You don’t have to hang out with him if you don’t like him.

CAROL I just don’t think he treats you very well.

JADE He treats me fine.

CAROL He hits you.

JADE Once. I hit him, like, twenty times. You should have seen/ him—

CAROL (overlap, continuous) I did see him—

JADE (overlap, continuous) —I kicked his ass.

CAROL /—he looked fine.

JADE His bruises were under his clothes. If you saw him with his shirt off you’d know.

CAROL No thanks.

(She goes offstage slightly to microwave her Hot Pocket.)

JADE Why not, he’s hot.

CAROL (O.S.) Not my type!

(Sound of microwave.)

JADE That’s just because you’re racist.

(CAROL enters.)

CAROL Who’s racist? He’s Polish.

JADE His dad was Polish and he doesn’t even know him. His mom’s Puerto Rican and raised him which makes him more Puerto Rican than Polish.

CAROL Well, whatever, I’m not racist.

JADE My whole life you’ve been going on about the blacks and Puerto Ricans and now the Indians or whatever and Mexicans.

CAROL Well, look at the neighborhood!

JADE What about it? It’s the same no matter who lives here.

CAROL This used to be a nice neighborhood. This was where people came to get away from those people.

JADE “Those people.”

CAROL You know what I mean. It’s not a color thing. There are all kinds of trashy people.

JADE We’re trashy people.

CAROL No we’re not.

JADE You’re not supposed to live in the same house your whole life.

CAROL Well I’m sorry, this isn’t exactly how I hoped things would turn out either. Anyway, I’m not racist, I dated Jerry for years, he’s three-quarters-blood Cherokee.

JADE So what do you want, a freaking statue?

CAROL I’m just saying, those days were fun for me like Jacko’s/ fun for you—

JADE (overlap) //Jasko—//

CAROL Believe me, I know it’s a good time, but after a while. Guys like him are bad news and I have the scars to prove it.

JADE You don’t have any scars.

CAROL Emotionally I do. And physically, thank god it wasn’t worse because it could have been.

JADE Whatever.

CAROL I just know when you’re young and pretty it seems like you’ve got your whole life ahead of you but eventually you get older and you can’t rely on your looks so much anymore.

JADE I’m not gonna get pregnant again, if that’s what you’re worried about.

CAROL It’s not about that. I just think you should think about what you’re doing.

(The microwave dings. CAROL exits.

JADE reads a celebrity gossip magazine.

CAROL re-enters with the Hot Pocket.

Beat. CAROL stares at JADE.)

CAROL I saw that video. That was on your camera.

JADE . . .

CAROL The one you made with Jasko?

JADE I know which one you mean.

CAROL It’s a really bad idea, honey, who knows where that could end up?

JADE I know exactly where it’s going to end up.

(Beat.)

CAROL What do you mean?

JADE It was my idea. Just so you know. We started it just for fun but I think we can make money with it.

CAROL Oh no. No no no.

JADE I know it sounds weird. But it’s totally legit.

CAROL Oh sweetie no, it’s not worth it.

JADE What’s not worth it? The house?

CAROL What?

JADE You think I don’t look at the mail?

CAROL I’m taking care of it.

JADE No you’re not.

CAROL I’m paying what I can. I just have to talk to them.

JADE You’re paying what? Like three hundred dollars a month?

CAROL It’s what I can do right now. I’m gonna call them. Maybe if you made manager at T.J. Maxx—

JADE We don’t have time.

CAROL It was just a warning.

JADE It said a month.

(Beat.)

CAROL I’ll talk to Uncle Mike.

JADE Uncle Mike is not going to give you any more money.

CAROL He would if I told him about this.

JADE (“Uncle Mike’s a prick”) Yeah, good luck with that conversation.

CAROL I’m asking you as your mother, please do not do this. You put stuff like that out there, there’s no controlling where it goes. Think about it, employers, boyfriends, what if you want to have kids?

JADE I don’t want to have kids.

CAROL You might someday.

JADE Uncle Mike is not going to give you any more money. He signed his half of the house over to you for nothing and you still managed to screw it up like you’ve screwed up everything else. One of us has to take responsibility for our situation.

CAROL . . .

JADE People get famous from adult entertainment. You know that? Does that bother you? That my life could actually mean something?

CAROL Your life means something now.

(Beat. This isn’t good enough for Jade.)

JADE Whatever. Just don’t take the money if you don’t want it. I don’t need this house. I could move in with Jasko.

CAROL (panic) Please no.

JADE What is it you want me to do, mom? Be a manager at T.J. Maxx? Maybe I’ll marry an abusive alcoholic loser and have a loser kid.

CAROL Stop.

(Beat.)

JADE I made up my mind, I’m doing it. Take the money, don’t take the money. I could give a shit about this gross house.

CAROL (pre-hysterical) Please don’t leave me. If you leave me I don’t know what I’ll do.

JADE Don’t. You always do this and it doesn’t work anymore.

CAROL Who told you to say that?

CAROL He told you to say that, didn’t he.

JADE No.

CAROL Don’t lie to me.

(Beat.)

JADE Even if he did, he’s right.

CAROL I’ll kill myself right here, right in front of you, you want that?

(Silence. Maybe JADE does want it a little.

CAROL runs back into the kitchen, returns with a knife. She holds the knife to her wrist.)

CAROL I’ll do it.

(JADE just looks away. This has happened before.

A standoff.)

Jade (worn out) Stop.

(CAROL starts to WAIL. It’s crazy, ancient, inhuman, like something from The Bacchae . After some of this:)

JADE Jesus Christ, Mom, knock it off.

(CAROL drops to her knees, spent.)

You’re embarrassing. Do you know that?

(She cries.

JADE gives up, embraces her.

A moment.)

CAROL I don’t want to be like this.

JADE You’re not like anything.

CAROL Promise me you’ll never leave me.

(JADE just looks at CAROL without answering.)

CAROL Promise me.

JADE Mom.

(A CAR HORN honks. CAROL jumps.)

JADE You gonna be OK?

CAROL . . .

JADE I know what I’m doing mom.

(The horn honks, aggressively.)

CAROL . . .

JADE We have it all figured out, we have a webmaster and everything. It’s set up to take credit cards. PayPal. Our friend made like. A lot of money doing this. I’m going to fix everything. I promise.

(She exits. CAROL, alone.

Blackout.)

(Dark. The hog pen again. BIG HOG is wounded, in pain.)

BIG HOG @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

(As he snorts in pain, a VET enters. The VET should not be depicted realistically; perhaps a disembodied voice, or a puppet, or a performer in a hazmat suit, or a video projection against the back wall. This whole scene could be done in darkness. Use your imagination!

The VET should be played or voiced by a male performer so as not to draw an inadvertent parallel with the end of the play.

The VET navigates with a flashlight through the pens of hogs; we can mostly only see what he illuminates with the flashlight. The hog pens are creepy and depressing.

The VET sings to himself.)

VET Wastin’ away again in Margaritaville Searchin’ for my lost shaker of salt

(etc.)

BIG HOG @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@HOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

VET OK, OK, hold your horses, I’m coming.

(He consults an electronic device, looking for a pen number. He finds BIG HOG.)

VET (somewhat indifferent to BIG HOG’s suffering) You’re a big guy.

BIG HOG @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

VET I’m here, it’s OK.

BIG HOG @@@@@@@@

VET Easy. Easy.

(He consults BIG HOG.)

VET Aw jeez, this is bad. What happened here? OK, just relax. Easy.

(He props up the flashlight and opens a carry pack full of veterinary equipment.)

VET In a second it won’t hurt.

(The VET prepares to inject a painkiller into BIG HOG.

BIG HOG bites the VET, hard.)

VET OW! Stop it STOP!

BIG HOG ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

VET Off get OFF!

(They scuffle; ad-lib as needed.)

VET Oww.

(The VET grabs for a cell phone, scrambles to dial.)

VET Please get off ow

(BIG HOG releases the VET. He holds his leg (or wherever he was bitten) in excruciating pain.

BIG HOG looms over him.)

BIG HOG YOU!!! BIG HOG is better Big Hog is better than you. Big Hog is a better animal than you.

VET . . .

BIG HOG BIG HOG!!!

(BIG HOG runs. The VET clutches his leg in pain.)

VET . . .

(Blackout.)

(Another dance number, a big one, three to ten minutes, with the full ensemble. It is a real dance number, with actors in sync, but doesn’t have to be (in fact should not be) clean or slick.

The fantasy of civilization collapsing. Everyone is free. The dance is erotic and utopian. The suggested music is The Dirtbombs’s “Leopard Man at C & A,” but other music could be used if it captures the spirit of the dance.

The actors should wear whatever they’re wearing in other scenes, but are not necessarily “in character” in any noticeable way.)

(MIKE and ZOE, at home, in their kitchen. It is represented minimally, but if at all possible, they should really be cooking and we should be able to smell it.

Also on stage is an old kids’ telescope facing out toward the audience.

The actors should ad-lib cooking talk as needed, interspersed with the dialogue.)

MIKE Could you, I just need the capers, thanks.

ZOE Don’t put too many in.

MIKE I’m not.

ZOE They just taste weird.

MIKE You don’t have to eat them.

ZOE They’re all vinegary.

MIKE It’s just for salt because we can’t use anchovies.

ZOE Thank god for that.

(beat)

I mean what are they anyway?

MIKE What, capers? I think they’re like, little buds, little flowers.

(She approaches the pot with a small slab of butter.)

MIKE (re: butter) What’s that?

ZOE What, the butter? It’s for the sauce.

MIKE Jade can’t eat that.

ZOE She’s vegan? Since when?

MIKE Since the last time we saw her I guess.

ZOE When was that? I guess it was over a year ago.

MIKE Like two years ago.

ZOE Wow.

MIKE Are you surprised?

ZOE About what? That we haven’t seen her?

MIKE . . .

ZOE Your sister is not that bad.

MIKE You should see these emails she’s been sending me.

ZOE She’s been forwarding stupid emails for years. No one’s making you read them.

MIKE I guess she hasn’t been sending you the Obama ones.

ZOE No.

MIKE She forwarded this thing to me that said that if Obama was elected there was going to be another Holocaust.

ZOE I doubt she even read it before forwarding it. We got that Neiman Marcus cookie recipe, what, like four times?

MIKE Well, exactly. Pass me those olives? Thanks.

ZOE Not too many.

MIKE I have it under control.

ZOE It’ll be all salty.

MIKE You like these olives.

ZOE Yeah but not so many in the sauce.

MIKE And my first response was, when exactly did you start giving a crap about the Jews?

ZOE What?

MIKE To Carol.

ZOE Oh. Did you actually say that to her?

MIKE No I just thought it. Anyway you should see some of this garbage.

ZOE Oh, I see it.

MIKE Who sends it to you?

ZOE Just people post it to Facebook and stuff.

MIKE People you’re friends with?

ZOE No, I don’t know.

(she tastes the sauce)

More vegetable stock?

MIKE Not too much, it gets watery. Aren’t you bothered by this?

ZOE By what? Carol? She doesn’t have to like Barack Obama.

MIKE Yeah well of course. I mean this racist bullcrap.

ZOE It’s just family, that’s how family is. Besides, I don’t think your sister is racist. Any more than most white people are racist.

MIKE OK . . .

ZOE I mean she says ignorant things sometimes, so what, no one’s perfect. She’s had a rough time of things.

MIKE I had a rough time of things and I don’t spend all my time sending racist hoaxes around the internet.

ZOE You know what I mean.

MIKE I guess.

ZOE Besides, she has been in interracial relationships.

MIKE Yeah, with that Cherokee guy who hit her and took her money. Thereby reinforcing her prejudices.

ZOE She’s dated black guys too.

MIKE What?

ZOE She never told you?

MIKE No.

ZOE You look alarmed.

MIKE What? No.

ZOE Are you shocked that your sister dated black guys?

MIKE Don’t be ridiculous.

(The doorbell rings. They brace themselves.)

MIKE Deep breath.

(They get the door (can be mimed or placed offstage or whatever). CAROL is there alone, holding a big box of wine. Ad-lib greetings as needed.)

ZOE Hiiii!

CAROL Hi Zoe, hi Mikey.

MIKE Hi Carol.

(They hug and kiss. She hands him the wine.)

CAROL I know it’s probably not what you like.

MIKE No, they have good wine in boxes now. Seriously.

(He studies the box)

This is good!

CAROL You like it? I never know what you like.

MIKE Yeah! It’s good.

(pause; notices JADE is missing)

So is uh . . . Where’s Jade?

CAROL Oh, we got into a fight. You know how kids are.

MIKE She’s like what, twenty-two now?

ZOE Mike.

CAROL Twenty-one still.

MIKE I’m sorry, I didn’t mean /anything—

CAROL It’s OK.

(pause)

Just look at you!

MIKE Uh.

CAROL You gained weight.

MIKE Thanks I guess.

CAROL It looks good. You look healthy.

(ZOE drops a plate of cheese and crackers on the table. During the following conversation, ZOE and MIKE continue with kitchen business.)

ZOE So how have things been with you?

CAROL Good, you know, keeping busy, working.

ZOE The restaurant’s good?

CAROL Oh it’s fine. They got me training now, you know, training the “newbies,” which is good because it’s hourly, and the tips haven’t been so great lately.

ZOE Yeah, this economy.

CAROL I mean the tips are still fine, mostly, the ones from my regulars, but we just don’t get as big of crowds anymore. Mmm, this wine is good, I like it! Don’t you like it?

MIKE I like it.

CAROL What kind of cheese is this?

ZOE It’s uh something Italian? It’s alpine. From northern Italy.

CAROL Fancy! It’s got like a—

ZOE Yeah, the aftertaste.

CAROL It reminds me of a goat.

MIKE It’s not goat cheese.

ZOE It’s good with the crackers. Those like black pepper crackers.

CAROL Mm oh yeah. So Zoe how is your work going?

ZOE It’s going well, thank you.

CAROL Mike told me you were making commercials now.

ZOE Yup, making commercials.

CAROL But I thought you went to school for movies.

ZOE Yes. But usually film directors start out directing commercials and music videos and things like that.

CAROL What kind of movies do you want to make?

ZOE I have a very wide array of interests.

CAROL Huh.

(pause)

What’s the commercial for?

ZOE Twix bars?

CAROL Oh are they the ones like, bitch, gimme back my Twix?

ZOE It’s that campaign, yes.

CAROL I love those, they are so funny!

(laughs)

(She laughs.

A lull as ZOE and MIKE prep dinner.)

MIKE So it’s almost ready if you uh.

(ZOE helps him set the table. Maybe they eat salad.)

CAROL Oh I forgot to say, I got employee of the month again.

ZOE Oh that’s great.

MIKE Yeah.

CAROL They usually don’t give it to people three times but they made an exception in my case.

MIKE I imagine most people aren’t at the job long enough to get it three times.

ZOE Mike.

MIKE I didn’t mean anything by that. There’s high turnover in the restaurant industry. Right?

CAROL I don’t know about that. I was just honored to even be considered.

(Pause.)

MIKE So uh. And aside from the, uh, fight. How is Jade?

CAROL Oh fine. I think she might go in for management training soon.

ZOE That’s great.

CAROL You don’t have to say it like that.

ZOE I didn’t mean to say it any particular way.

CAROL No, I know. I’m sorry. I just.

(starts weeping a little)

MIKE Carol. Are you all right?

CAROL Fine! I’m fine. We had a bad fight, I’m really sorry.

ZOE You have nothing to apologize for.

CAROL No, I’m sorry, this is embarrassing. You probably cooked for four and everything.

MIKE Don’t worry about that.

ZOE Sweetie, it’s fine.

CAROL I’m really OK.

(long pause; she composes herself)

So Mike how is your new business going?

MIKE Oh it’s uh. It’s OK, you know! It’s always a bit of a leap, you know.

(pause)

I don’t miss academia at all but uh.

(pause)

You know, there’s always a risk involved, with Zoe and I being freelance, you know, but um. I really like the fact that I might actually have the chance to uh, to influence events, you know. When I was teaching it felt like I was in this little bubble, they say you’re influencing generations of kids, but really, out of every class, how many of them were really absorbing anything I had to say? Whereas now I feel as if I have a chance to, I don’t want to oversell it, but I think with the consulting and the seminars, to reach some real decision makers. CEOs, vice presidents. I feel like I can really exert some kind of influence on the world.

(CAROL bursts into tears.)

MIKE Uh.

ZOE Are you OK?

(hands her a napkin)

Here.

MIKE I don’t uh. Did I say something wrong?

CAROL Jade’s gone.

MIKE Gone . . . like gone, gone? Or.

CAROL She left three days ago. She hasn’t been back. She’s with this guy Jasko, oh he’s a real lowlife, they were doing porno together! Do you believe it? She said she was going to leave and I begged her not to but she did. I can’t go on without her, I just can’t.

(Pause)

CAROL I haven’t heard anything from her.

ZOE Have you talked to the police?

MIKE I’m sure she doesn’t need to call the police.

ZOE Well. Has Jade left before?

CAROL Never for this long.

MIKE I’m sure everything’s fine.

CAROL We had a little fight and she said she was leaving but then she changed her mind and said she didn’t mean it, she was coming back. I’m so worried about her, Mikey, you haven’t met this guy, he’s horrible, this guy, he’s this smarmy Puerto Rican—oh I’m so sorry—

ZOE I’m not Puerto Rican.

CAROL No I know, but. I’m sorry, that probably sounded prejudiced.

ZOE It’s OK.

MIKE No actually it’s not OK.

ZOE Mike.

MIKE We have to discuss this.

ZOE Mike, not right now, come on.

MIKE We have to address it when it happens, even if it is inconvenient. Carol, I know you’re going through kind of a hard time right now, but we need to talk about your problems with race.

CAROL I’m sorry, I said something insensitive, I don’t think that means I’m a racist.

MIKE I’m not accusing you of anything but I think it’s something we need to address. I know that you’ve never been comfortable about Zoe and me being married.

CAROL That’s not true!

MIKE Well maybe it’s not but. Actually I think it kind of is. Anyway, let’s table that, I want to talk about the latest thing, these emails that you’ve been sending out.

ZOE Mike.

CAROL What emails?

MIKE “Obama’s a Muslim”?

CAROL . . . I’m sorry.

MIKE And you know, there wouldn’t be anything wrong if he was, but, you know, have you even read some of the stuff in the emails you’ve been sending out? It’s like hate speech!

CAROL I didn’t mean to offend you! I just think people should know both sides to every story.

MIKE Well, I don’t happen to think that’s a valid side of the story or whatever, but that’s a discussion for another time. I think you really need to think about what you’re putting out in the world.

ZOE Mike, take it easy.

CAROL I don’t even know who I’m voting for yet, OK? I might vote for him!

ZOE I would like to talk about something else.

MIKE Sure. Fine. I’m sorry. I think we can have a legitimate disagreement, but this is a very important election and I think people have to take responsibility for the kind of information they put out into the world.

CAROL I’m not people I’m your sister.

MIKE You’re my sister and I love you but we all have to be held to account sometime.

(Bad pause.)

ZOE You want some Parmesan cheese for your pasta? We left it off for Jade, but if you want it.

CAROL OK. Thanks.

(pause)

Also I think I might lose the house.

MIKE Oh for god’s sake.

CAROL I don’t know what to do Mike. Without Jade there.

MIKE I told you not to refinance, did I not? I told you that was a stupid, stupid idea.

ZOE Mike, please.

MIKE Well, I’m sorry, Zoe, but come on. I can’t keep bailing you out, Carol.

CAROL I’m not asking you to!

ZOE Can this wait? She is worried about her daughter.

CAROL I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

MIKE I don’t know what you expect me to tell you, Carol! Neither Zoe nor I have a regular salary anymore!

(pause)

I want to help you. I really do. But this is just.

(He sits and stews for a minute until, at the end of his rope, he storms out of the room.

CAROL cries, ZOE comforts her.)

ZOE Sh. She’s going to be OK. Everything’s going to be OK.

(Silence as CAROL cries.)

CAROL You have everything. Look at this, you have this beautiful home, these beautiful lives, and I have nothing. I work hard. I did everything right. I didn’t do everything right but I did it a lot less wrong than a lot of other people. How did this happen?

(Beat.)

ZOE Mike’s very scared. Of a lot of things. You can’t take it personally how he. You know.

(Silence. CAROL takes a small bite.)

CAROL This is really delicious, by the way. Really good.

ZOE I’m glad you like it.

CAROL I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I just, it’s like I can’t go near anything nice without totally ruining it.

ZOE Can I show you something?

(ZOE turns off all the lights.)

CAROL What are you doing?

(Sounds of ZOE puttering around.)

CAROL Zoe?

ZOE I’m over here.

(CAROL comes to her.)

ZOE Can you see the telescope?

CAROL Oh, I remember that. That’s Mike’s, from when he was a kid. He never let me touch it. Not that I could blame him. I probably would have sold it. Do I just look in here?

(she looks)

What is it I’m supposed to be looking at?

ZOE How does it look? Do you need me to adjust it?

CAROL It’s a little blurry.

(ZOE adjusts it.

It might be cool, though not necessary, to project a star map on stage or behind the performers.)

ZOE How’s this?

CAROL Oh. It’s pretty.

ZOE It’s not the best night for it, but you might be able to see some planets.

CAROL Oh! I saw a shooting star.

ZOE It’s going to be really great in a few weeks. The Perseid meteor shower.

(Pause as CAROL looks.)

CAROL I didn’t know you were into all this stuff.

ZOE It’s a little bit of a hobby. Depending on the light pollution you might be able to see the Milky Way.

CAROL Oh yeah. Behind everything. Like a cloud of light.

(pause)

So, uh . . .

ZOE I was pregnant. Did Mike tell you?

CAROL No. Oh. I’m sorry. What happened? Oh, you don’t have to talk about it/ if you—

ZOE It’s called Roberts Syndrome. You wouldn’t have heard of it. It’s rare. The chromosomes don’t line up, and the baby is born with severe deformities. They don’t live very long.

CAROL Oh. I’m so sorry.

ZOE Yeah. We decided to terminate the pregnancy.

CAROL You had to.

ZOE I know.

(Beat.)

CAROL How long ago?

ZOE A little over a year.

CAROL I wish I knew.

ZOE I found the telescope in a tub of kid stuff Mike saved for the baby. I’d sit and look at the stars, and contemplate how big everything is. The universe just goes on and on, forever. Everything we do is so finite and ephemeral and insignificant. Sometimes I think about how those Twix commercials will last longer than anything I’ll ever do, broadcasting out into space for millions of years, long after we’re all dead.

CAROL I like those commercials. A lot of people like them.

ZOE That’s not what I mean really.

(beat)

When we got the test results, it felt so deeply unfair. It offended my sense of justice. But then I got to thinking, the odds against this disease are astronomical, but so are the odds against life. One second a few molecules stick together in a chemical reaction, and the next second here we are. In the dark. In a house. Food getting cold. The odds against any of it are astronomical. It’s humbling.

(Pause.)

CAROL After Jade I had abortions. Kind of a lot of them. Jade had one too. That I know about. Not that it’s the same. It’s not the same.

ZOE Maybe it is, maybe it’s not.

CAROL I just. I think about what might have been sometimes. I don’t mean to compare myself to you.

(pause)

I wish Mike told me. I would have gotten a card or.

(pause)

I never know what to say.

ZOE It’s okay.

(Pause. They sit in the dark.)

ZOE Don’t worry. It’s all OK. You’re going to be OK.

CAROL You think so?

ZOE Yeah.

(Pause, dark.)

CAROL Thank you.

ZOE Don’t mention it.

(Pause, dark.)

CAROL Um Should we turn the light on?

ZOE Sure.

(She does not move. It remains dark.

In the distance, sounds of BIG HOG approaching.

End scene.)

(BIG HOG is rooting around the edge of a small farm or large garden, illuminated only by moonlight. He is hungry and a little banged around, and on the run from something.)

BIG HOG (still all ego, but furtive, for him anyway) (Big Hog!) Big Hog runs and runned, none go in, one come out, they don’t know but Big Hog knows. Sees truck CHEVROLET RED CHEVROLET and FORD EXCURSION and MITSUBISHI OUTLANDER and FORD ESCAPE and JEEP WRANGLER and TOYOTA HIGHLANDER and, one say you hey you hey you son of a gun SHOOTS on Big Hog SHOOTS on Big Hog And Big Hog sees the wide world. Big Hog knows the morsels. Big Hog sees highway and place of business and truck and truck and truck and truck. Big Hog has killed a small dog. Big Hog has escaped dogs and hawks and man and wolfs. Big Hog has eated all the crops. Big Hog breathes deep the shrinking air of absolute freedom. @@@@@@@@@ Big Hog knows the score. There is a mistake that you can make. And that is that Big Hog is something to be underestimated.

(Distant gunshot.)

BIG HOG Big Hog will leaves you now. But tomorrow Big Hog will sit at your table. And tomorrow Big Hog will sit at the head of your table. You sit and pretend that your days are not numbered. But you and Big Hog, you both know the truth.

(More gunshots, closer. BIG HOG runs.

End scene.)

(JADE leaves a message for her mom, on a pay phone. She is high.)

JADE Hey Mom what’s up

(long pause; she spaces out)

Oh uh I’m sorry if this is like a weird number, my cell battery died and Jasko lost his car charger because he’s a FRICKIN’ IDIOT!

(laughs)

I’m totally on a pay phone, can you believe it? It took us forever to

(pause)

No Mom I’m totally kidding everything’s great. Jasko’s really great. I just kind of feel like we left things on like a weird note and it’s been like a couple weeks so, like, yeah. Um anyway we’re um

(yells offstage)

Where are we?

(offstage mutter)

Like, which state?

(offstage mutter)

Which state on the map, moron.

(offstage mutter)

No, fuck YOU

(in phone)

Just kidding Mom everything’s great Jasko’s really great we’re having a great time. Anyway what was I Oh yeah I was lying down in like, this meadow? Or something like that, it was dark, and I was doing that thing like on that tape you always used to listen to in the car even though you couldn’t really do it while you were driving, where the guy is like imagine your feet sinking into the ground. Imagine your hips sinking into the ground. And I was like doing it on my own and it got up to the neck, then the head and face, and at this point I’m just eyes, like just a pair of big white eyes in the dirt looking up at the sky, and then I saw like a shooting star, and I was like, did I really just see that? It was so small. But then I saw another one and another one and then it was just shooting stars, one after the other, like the sky was falling gently onto the ground, which I was in, and the stars and the ground and me were all the same thing, and I figured it all out, everything made more sense than it ever made in my life, and I just wanted to share it with— Hello? Yeah, this is Jade. Jade? Who’s this? Oh. Sorry.

(She hangs up)

JASKO hey JASKO I need another fifty cents It was the wrong NUMBER

(Sound of a car starting.)

JADE What the hell?

(Sound of the car going away.)

JADE (laughing) JASKO!

(She runs off.

Distant hog sounds.

End scene.)

(A hotel bar, simply rendered, location indicated mostly by sound. MIKE nurses a glass of red wine, staring at nothing.

Perhaps contemporary hotel lounge music plays in the background.

KAREN approaches. She squints at him, faking like she’s trying to remember him, even though she knows exactly who he is.

He doesn’t know who she is, but he does notice her staring at him.)

KAREN . . . Mike?

MIKE Uh, hi.

KAREN Karen. Karen Kramer?

MIKE Um, sorry, I just . . .

(he shrugs)

KAREN I think we’re Facebook friends.

MIKE Ah.

KAREN Through Zoe?

MIKE (still doesn’t really know) Oh, OK. Karen.

KAREN She and I were in grad school together. I was in Hamletmachine , and when she did that all-white version of For Colored Girls . . .

MIKE Oh yeah. I thought you looked familiar.

(Beat.)

KAREN So what brings you to the Route 181 Sheraton Hotel and Conference Center?

MIKE Oh, I’m giving a seminar. That banner over conference room B? That’s me.

KAREN (squinting into the distance) Making chaos work for your organization.

MIKE Sort of a goofy title. But you know. You have to oversimplify.

KAREN Right, you’re like a math guy, right?

MIKE Math, systems theory. Kind of interdisciplinary, actually.

KAREN I remember you were getting your PhD.

MIKE Yeah, I do consulting now, systems analysis. I have a book?

(He reaches into a messenger bag and hands her a boring-looking hardcover book. She looks at it as if he is holding out a slab of raw liver.)

MIKE Go ahead, you can have it.

(She reluctantly takes it.)

MIKE I sort of carry a few around with me everywhere I go.

KAREN (reading) “When Things Go Pear-Shaped.”

MIKE That’s a kind of curve. It does look a little dry, but I’m trying to get them to redesign it, you know, for the self-help market? I think it would really appeal to people who like The Secret and that sort of thing.

KAREN I love The Secret !

MIKE (was about to make fun of it) Oh yeah?

(Pause.

She flips idly through the book.

She stops.

Pause.)

KAREN Actually it’s really good I ran into you because I’ve been trying to get in touch with Zoe.

MIKE Oh yeah?

KAREN I’ve left her a couple of messages. Is she still at her 323 number?

MIKE Uh yeah that’s her number.

MIKE She’s been so busy lately.

KAREN Doing those commercials.

MIKE Yeah, yeah, the Twix campaign.

KAREN Those are so hilarious.

MIKE Yeah, they’re a lot of fun. I mean, she didn’t come up with the concept or anything, she’s just directing them.

KAREN I know, they’re just so funny.

(Pause.)

MIKE So, ah, what brings you here?

KAREN I’m in town for some voice-over work. It’s kind of embarrassing, actually. I’m a Japanese schoolgirl.

MIKE For like a cartoon or something?

KAREN It’s an erotic video game.

(He laughs a little.)

KAREN I know, I know.

MIKE No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.

KAREN Believe me, I laugh at it every day. It’s kind of interesting, though. It’s this crazy interactive thing, like with hundreds of people playing all at once. And they can play as my character, or any number of other characters, or they can fight my character, and basically they spend all day killing monsters or zombies, I’m not sure what they are actually, and then when they get bored with that they can have sex with each other, or with a computer-generated character, in the game. Online. And there are like points, like you get points for killing the monsters or whatever, and then you redeem them for sex? I’m not really sure about that. So basically I sit in this booth all day, with headphones and this giant microphone, just shouting stuff like “run!” or “let’s get him!” over and over again in all these different intonations. Also I do a lot of moaning, Wednesday was the big moaning day, just me in the booth moaning into a microphone.

MIKE You must have a pretty good moan.

KAREN You want to hear it?

MIKE Um, sure.

(She moans a little.)

MIKE Not bad! I’ll have to tell all my friends I know the moaning Japanese schoolgirl in, what’s it called?

KAREN Judgment Day

MIKE Huh.

(Pause.)

MIKE You know, there’s a chapter on that sort of thing in the book. Not moaning, ah, whatever, but on massively multiplayer online games? There are metrics for various sorts of human behavior in those games. It’s like an ant farm, like a little controlled environment for complex social behavior. Or certain types of it anyway.

(pause)

I’m sorry, I know this is boring.

KAREN No, not at all.

MIKE Zoe’s always telling me how boring this stuff is.

KAREN (touching his arm) So tell me about this self-help book.

MIKE Well it’s not that exactly. But in a nutshell I think that if you give yourself certain parameters, and you gather all the data that you can, like acts of God, the weather, wars, politics—you can aggregate all these metrics, and if you do it right—I’m sorry, it’s boring!

KAREN Just keep going. You need to be more confident!

MIKE I speak in public all the time, it’s just, saying it one-on-one to a pretty girl after a few drinks . . .

(pause)

OK, uh basically I think that if you analyze all this stuff, patterns emerge, like the saying “history repeats itself.” But you can render these patterns graphically, like fractals? And here’s where it gets a little complicated, but I think that using these models it’s possible to more or less predict the future.

KAREN Really?

MIKE Within certain limits. But basically, yeah.

KAREN Can you predict my future?

MIKE Well, possibly, given the—

KAREN Will I be successful?

MIKE At what?

KAREN Anything. Acting.

MIKE Um, I would actually need a lot more information . . .

(She fake-pouts.)

MIKE But, ah. Judged solely on your looks, your vivacious personality, and your moaning abilities, I predict yes, you will be very successful.

KAREN I’m definitely going to buy your self-help book now.

MIKE (indicating the book on the bar) It’s just going to be that one, but with a different cover.

KAREN I’d like to write a self-help book.

MIKE Oh yeah?

KAREN Well, not just self-help, but also transformational, you know? Like, there would be the book, but there would also be classes, and exercises, and seminars. Maybe a nonprofit organization.

MIKE So what’s your grand plan?

KAREN I think the problem with the world in 2008 is like most problems: it’s so simple that we can’t see the solution sitting right in front of us. There isn’t enough love.

MIKE (can’t see it at all) Yeah, I could see that.

KAREN That’s the source of all our problems. The wars in the Middle East. Tibet. Global warming.

MIKE Hm. Well.

(She grabs his arm. Their eyes lock in a heated sort of way.)

KAREN I am bursting with love. It’s like all this love inside me is the alien in the movie Alien . I’ve got so much love inside me and it needs to get out before it destroys me. I can feel it right now, eating away at me from the inside.

(He is speechless and frightened, but also a little aroused.

They stare into each other’s eyes.)

KAREN Do you feel it?

MIKE I.

KAREN Once you see all the love all around you that everyone has bottled up so much, you can’t ever stop seeing it. I can see it in everyone, like everyone’s just ready to explode.

(Beat.)

MIKE Can I tell you something?

KAREN Anything.

MIKE Before you got here, I was thinking. I’m kind of a fraud.

KAREN . . . Really?

MIKE No. Well, not entirely. Just . . . kind of. Have you heard of the butterfly effect?

(She laughs.)

KAREN I was an extra in it.

MIKE Oh.

(laughs awkwardly, then)

Not the movie, I. Well, you know the basic concept. Butterfly in Africa, tornado in Kansas. And see, I tell people that certain patterns repeat themselves, which is true, in a general way. But on the individual level—well. There are millions of butterflies. Too many butterflies to count. We know our problems come from somewhere, but in terms of finding the exact butterfly? Which is what I’m selling. The chance to find the one specific butterfly that’s going to cause all your problems. Because that’s what people want to buy. But I mean. Truly? Who the hell knows.

(Beat.)

KAREN Millions of butterflies. That’s beautiful.

MIKE Mm. Actually that’s not what I.

(But he doesn’t want to ruin it for her.

They sit and think.)

MIKE I should, ah. I have to get up early for my speech tomorrow.

KAREN (abruptly) I’m in room 225.

(Pause.)

MIKE Right.

(Pause. They lock eyes.

She breaks the stare and leaves.

MIKE stares, finishes his wine. He leaves some money on the bar.

He exits in a hurry.

End scene.)

(The woods, at the muddy bank of a creek off of a highway.

Sounds of water, crickets, cars, and trucks.

BIG HOG lumbers in, roots around in the mud, looking for bugs to eat. He is considerably worse for wear.

JADE runs on. She has been sprinting and is hyperventilating.

BIG HOG watches her.

She almost collapses, looks behind her to make sure she is no longer being followed.

She decides it’s safe.)

JADE ASSHOLE!

(She stops, puts her head between her knees, almost vomits but stops herself.

Pause; she looks behind her again.)

JADE JASKO, YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE!

(She breaks down in tears.

BIG HOG watches.

BIG HOG moves a little.)

JADE What? Oh my god.

(BIG HOG stops.)

JADE A pig.

(BIG HOG stares.)

JADE Don’t be scared. I’m vegan. Come here.

(BIG HOG does not move.)

JADE Hey. Hey.

(Long pause. Sounds of water, crickets, cars.)

JADE I have part of a sandwich. You want it? Here.

(She tears off part of her sandwich and tosses it at him.

He starts a little, but sniffs it, devours it.)

JADE You want more? I have more.

(He comes to her. She tears off more of the sandwich and feeds it to him.)

JADE That’s it. Good boy. Ow! Don’t bite.

(She pets BIG HOG.)

JADE I’m not going to hurt you. I can see a lot of people have hurt you. A lot of people have hurt me too. The world is full of people who take and take and don’t care who they hurt. But I promise you. I will never hurt you.

(She pets him.

Beat.)

JADE See, people aren’t so bad. Just kind of selfish and stupid. It’s like we don’t know when to stop. I’m tired of everything being like that. I don’t want to be like that.

(A peaceful moment. Sounds of water, crickets.

He BITES her.)

JADE OW!!!

(She scrambles up to a standing position, scared.

He has her trapped. She stares, looking for a way out.

BIG HOG stands too, towering over her.

Long silence. They breathe.)

BIG HOG (deliberate) There is red and there is grass and every river is a river.

(JADE is startled.)

BIG HOG (keeps going) There are things and there are hot things and hot rocks full of rock. The river is a flatness. There are chains and there are not chains and the tips of the grass are tips. Do you know what makes a town? A porcelain dish, inside which is gravy. In preparation, in preparation, in preparation. It has aches. There is red and there is grass and every river is a river. There is grass and grass and grass and grass. And every river is a river.

(Long pause. Sounds of water, crickets.)

JADE. I understand. This is what I was looking for. I just didn’t know it. This is how I get to matter.

(She cries a little. BIG HOG looks at her quizzically.)

JADE (laughs) I didn’t think it would be like this.

(He just looks at her.)

JADE I’m afraid.

(He snorts. Seems to understand this.)

JADE Can you make it not hurt?

(Pause. BIG HOG looks at her. Seems to understand this.)

JADE Do what you can. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s just how it has to be.

(Long pause. BIG HOG looks at her. He snorts.)

JADE I’m ready.

(BIG HOG lets out a MOURNFUL HOWL.)

BIG HOG @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(He smothers her. She fights, involuntarily.

Blackout.

In the dark, the deafening sound of hogs eating.)

(Another small dance, partial cast, a minute or less.

The Perseid meteor shower.)

(DAVID is doing some kind of solo performance, something like an open mic or The Moth; not quite standup comedy, not quite theater. It’s low-rent but not cheesy, maybe an audience of twenty-five people.)

DAVID Hey, so, uh. Yes, hi. I’m the guy from the Twix commercials.

(acknowledging the recognition)

Thanks. I’m, I just read online that more people know me than know the real Thomas Jefferson. So that’s, something. Just. Please. Don’t ask me it. Um, okay. The theme for the night is “close calls,” so here’s the story of my near-death experience. I was in the shower, and I fell, and I had a belt around my neck. Uh, I was kind of like, one end of the belt was attached to the shower head, and the other end was attached to my neck, in kind of like a ski jump position? And I slipped, and I passed out, just went sort of limp. It didn’t hurt. I don’t even actually remember it, because I was already pretty close to passing out. The edges of my vision were all blurry, like a tunnel? Just a puddle at the bottom of the tub, the droplets of water hitting it, and I was still hard but I hadn’t ejaculated yet, and my foot slipping and then a little squeeze around my throat and it didn’t hurt that badly, and everything went black. See, as you probably guessed by now, I had taken to masturbating in the shower while cutting off the flow of oxygen to my brain, the term is autoerotic asphyxiation? But I think that sounds way too clinical. I don’t know why I was doing it. It was more of an adventure than regular masturbation. So, on this particular day, my roommate was home, she heard me, I think I took the shower head partially out of the wall, and thankfully my erection had kind of died down a little, and she freaked out and called 911. Um, I woke up in the hospital, with a big tube in my throat. And there were all these flowers and cards, friends came to visit that I hadn’t seen in years. They all thought I had attempted suicide. And I never told them. Until just now, there are some of them right there in the audience. Hi guys. So yeah. That happened. Um, at first I couldn’t say what really happened because, how could I? And then I realized that if I didn’t say anything I could stand to benefit from it. And it’s been weighing on me, but not that much. Mostly I’ve just been worried about the $175,000 in hospital bills. Did you know that hospitals bill you for the use of their televisions? This is true. I owe twelve hundred and fifty dollars for nine hours of a Tyra marathon and three episodes of Walker Texas Ranger . So, uh. A friend got me the Twix gig, for which I’m grateful. But I also get punished, because I’m the Twix guy for the rest of my life. It’s going to be the headline in my obituary. And, I know people really like those commercials, but I fucking hate them. And there’s my dumb face plastered all over them.

(ZOE and MIKE get up via the house and move to walk out. DAVID sees them.)

DAVID Where you going? Are you leaving? Guys. Guys.

(They exit. Beat.)

DAVID That, um. That was the director of the commercial. That was weird. But good! I feel good. Anyway. When I almost died, I didn’t see a bright light, I didn’t see any angels. I woke up and I didn’t have any insights. I still don’t. I just feel stupid. I look at things like I might never see them again. But they’re not beautiful or interesting. They’re just there. I um, I had to walk home from the hospital because I didn’t have bus fare. I spent my last two dollars on a coffee from the Taco Bell in the hospital. So I walked in all these places where no human being was meant to walk, like the shoulders of highways and through people’s backyards. Just me and my thoughts and the sounds of sprinklers and cars and sometimes lawnmowers, so I just looked at the ground. I looked at the ground and I noticed this whole world in the gutters and at the outer edges of the lawns. I saw ants, cigarette butts, leaves, broken glass. I stopped and just stared at a pile of garbage for what felt like ten minutes, behind the right rear tire of this big old American car, a tan car, from the ’70s. Like a Chrysler or a Lincoln. There was an empty can that once held either an energy drink or malt liquor, I couldn’t tell which. There was a cigarette butt with lipstick on the end, and a plastic doll’s arm. It belonged to Splinter, the rat who mentored the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I stared at this pile of crap forever. I don’t even know why. I just did. And then I started to feel self-conscious, like somebody would notice this weird guy wearing a hospital bracelet and looking at garbage and they would call the police. So I stopped looking at the garbage, and kept walking, and here I am. That’s all I have to say, I guess. Here I am.

(End scene.)

(CAROL is watching the opening preamble to the amateur porn video made by JADE and JASKO. We only hear them; we’re looking at CAROL.)

JADE (O.S.) Now?

JASKO (O.S.) One second. OK, ready?

JADE (O.S.) Hi.

JASKO (O.S.) Tell us your name.

JADE (O.S.) My name’s Jade.

JASKO (O.S.) How old are you, Jade?

JADE (O.S.) I’m nineteen.

JASKO (O.S.) And this is your first time?

JADE (O.S.) On camera?

JASKO (O.S.) Yeah, on camera. I should hope so.

JADE (O.S.) Yes, this is my first time.

JASKO (O.S.) You nervous?

JADE (O.S.) A little.

(CAROL fast forwards the video.

Moaning. She shudders, rewinds quickly.)

JASKO (O.S.) So you’re a very sexual person.

JADE (O.S.) Yes.

(CAROL rewinds some more.)

JASKO (O.S.) So why are you doing this?

JADE (O.S.) Well . . . I really like sex. And I want to celebrate my sexuality publicly.

JASKO (O.S.) So you’re a very sexual person.

JADE (O.S.) Yes.

JASKO (O.S.) And the money?

JADE (O.S.) Yeah. I have bills to pay.

JASKO (O.S.) And you’re a real-life college student, is that right?

JADE (O.S.) Yes, I’m in my second year of college.

(Perhaps CAROL reacts to this lie.)

JASKO (O.S.) What are you studying?

(CAROL fast forwards.)

JASKO (O.S.) . . . about the fact that guys all over the world are going to be jerking off to you?

JADE (O.S.)

(giggles)

I don’t know.

JASKO (O.S.) You like it, don’t you. You little slut.

(CAROL winces.)

JADE (O.S.)

(giggles)

Yeah kind of.

JASKO (O.S.) Yeah that’s right.

JADE (O.S.) I like to make people happy.

JASKO (O.S.) You’re gonna make me really happy in a minute.

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

JASKO (O.S.) Yo, that is depressing. You’re bringing me down.

JADE (O.S.) Sorry.

JASKO (O.S.) You better come over here and bring me back UP!

JADE (O.S.)

(giggles)

OK.

(CAROL quickly rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) . . . lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL rewinds.)

JADE (O.S.) There’s a lot of lonely people. Maybe I can make it better. For a little while.

(CAROL just stares at the still picture of JADE, for a long time.

Blackout.)

(A fancy restaurant, in a city. Everything is velvety and frictionless. Electronic music plays, something one would hear in the lobby of a boutique hotel.

Things have the quality of a dream. The entire cast is there, but they are simultaneously themselves and not themselves.

BIG HOG and ZOE sit at a table as CAROL takes their order. BIG HOG is completely civilized and fluent in English, but there’s no mistaking that it’s him. He drinks wine.

ZOE wears the little black dress from the previous scene, but there’s some flourish to indicate the different context—jewelry or something.

He gestures to CAROL to take ZOE’s order.)

ZOE I’ll just have the . . . tagine with quinoa. Thanks.

BIG HOG The wild mushroom and mizuna salad with white truffle vinaigrette and sage.

(CAROL leaves. Beat.)

Zoe Thank you so much for seeing me.

BIG HOG My time is worthless.

ZOE Somehow I doubt that.

BIG HOG In any case, it’s a pleasure. I’m a big fan of your work.

ZOE That is very flattering. And I’m really proud of the work we did, but I just. I’m about a lot more than those commercials.

BIG HOG If I didn’t think that, I wouldn’t be meeting with you.

ZOE Thanks. So are you . . . please excuse the question, but as I understand it, film is a new venture for you.

BIG HOG After a while, you make your fortune, but that’s only so much. You start to think about a legacy. And I am very lucky to be in a position to help people like yourself. Artists, filmmakers. It’s a luxury, generosity. Or vanity, depending on how you look at it.

ZOE (to herself, mostly) Mm.

BIG HOG What?

ZOE It’s nothing.

BIG HOG Obviously it’s something.

ZOE I just wonder . . . I used to think that it was the artist’s job to convey the truth, you know, tear off this . . . veil of fantasy. Tell people how it really is. But then I started to think, isn’t it all fantasy? You tear off the veil, and what’s left? We’re born, we die. It’s the fantasy that makes us human.

BIG HOG Hm.

ZOE I’ve said too much.

BIG HOG No, no.

ZOE I’m sorry.

BIG HOG Don’t be. Your point is well taken.

ZOE Well, in any case I’m flattered that my work is worthy of your attention.

(BIG HOG gestures humbly.

Beat.)

ZOE Should I just, uh, jump in? I’m nervous!

BIG HOG Don’t be.

ZOE Um, I have a few scripts I’m looking at, but the one I’m most interested in is about the struggle of an African-American girl to rise from dire circumstances and become a dancer at the Bolshoi Ballet.

BIG HOG Oh yeah, I think I know this one. Is it/ called—

ZOE “Black Russian,” yes. The title is admittedly dreadful, but once I got past the first page, I saw a story I can really identify with on a personal level, as a black woman. And the writing is just really terrific, she’s a very promising young woman.

BIG HOG I’ll give it a read. If you have a draft of the budget—

ZOE I do. I’ll get that right to your office.

(pause)

I’m glad to hear you’re interested! Are you interested? I don’t want to/ presume—

BIG HOG I’m interested. I’m very interested.

(He just stares at her, smiling wistfully. ZOE laughs coquettishly.)

ZOE What? Is there something in my teeth?

BIG HOG You remind me of someone.

ZOE Someone you like, I hope.

BIG HOG You could say that.

(beat)

I came from some pretty dire circumstances.

ZOE I’ve read about it.

BIG HOG I did some things to get out of the prison I found myself in. I bet you didn’t read about those.

ZOE Not specifically, no.

BIG HOG Sometimes they keep me up at night. Those things.

(pause)

But here we are, so I suppose everything worked out.

(pause)

Things are vastly better for me now, don’t get me wrong. I have everything I’ve always wanted. How many of us get to say that? But sometimes I actually miss those days. I could have been anything.

(Lights out.

End of play.)