Kwik-n-Reddy™ Pastry Recipe for Poetry Golem

Step One1

Whip the following together in a blue Coleman cooler:

one beef Zowie! Bowl! from Kyoto Bowl franchise

one quart petrol

grad school dissatisfaction

one-half cup cat piss

Step Two

Combine the following in single yellow Dumpster:

one jigger sediment from the Mexican side of the Colorado River (Note: if post–apocalyptic and riverbed is dry, dust is a fine substitute, but must be remoistened with Tijuana sewer water.)

two pounds of leftover fast–food from the floorboard of a NYC cab

one Oxford English Dictionary

twenty-ounce bottle Maudite bière forte sur lié (stand in Dumpster, break over own head)

Emily Dickinson’s skull (must be stolen from her grave site in broad daylight)

neon ampersand (Cambria) & LED ampersand (Copperplate)

the pendulum from Herb Caen’s grandfather clock

two tablespoons slobber from Zec’s flesh-eating horse

one petri dish of serum from a paratrooper, victim of friendly fire (dead)

one petri dish jism from AIDS patient (alive)

eighteen tabs of “Happy Camper” methamphetamine

one element of the love that a heroin addict has for the needle

two photos of sex on the beach (not the drink—we must be able to see penetration)

top of thighs to neckline from the statue of Helen

spit from your mother (must be spat at you in rage or disappointment)

van Gogh’s other ear

Note: place in sealed dumpster. Mix with car wreck of 1950 Volkswagen Bug that has been driven off cliff. May be crushed or shredded to fit.

Step Three

Place the following in basement of an empty sanatorium:

all the issues of Playboy from March 1969 to September 1988 (only those that have short fiction from female authors [minus Christmas and holiday issues])

two garbage bags full of Michael Jordan’s used underwear (must not be Hanes)

pint of blood drawn from Juliet’s heart (can be any Juliet)

two pages of the Bible (for Golem’s sense of ennui)

Hugh Hefner’s steak gristle circa May 5, 1991 (must be from the piece he choked on, then tossed to the maître d’)2—spit-up Elvis gristle is NOT an option (we are talking to you, Billy Collins!)

one page from the Tibetan Book of the Dead (for Golem rage)

two bags bleached sugar

twenty-two hundred bags of flour

two buckets of unspoiled snow from the peak of Mount Everest (good luck!)

Note: for added Golem obedience: crushed, frozen appendage from a body found above tree line in Wyoming. You cannot kill someone for this part—it must be found.

dash pain

pinch lust

hint madness

one each: clay representations of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (must be fashioned by different high school football players3 who think they will be killed if they are not representative of what you would consider “avant-garde”4)

STIR VIGOROUSLY with a pitchfork (add blend from Step One, Step Two, and Step Three). Must be combined in a national park.5

Keeping the mold steady (at least try to get it to look human [we are looking at you Louise Glück!]), bury it in the ground approximately 40 inches down and cover with human feces6 (see page 110, Cooking is Fun to do!, Phuket Press, 2012, for traditional kimchi recipe guide).

Level with good old American dirt (if overseas, can be dirt of countries currently

occupied by the US).

Step Five

Allow to sit for five years, or until the birth of your first child out of wedlock.

Moisten occasionally by pouring one jeroboam 1927 Château Margaux cabernet sauvignon over the top.

Step Six

Unearth, and enjoy*

*For best results: your Poetry Golem should NOT be left unattended. Ever. Make sure that you mark each of the days of its life with razor cuts to your thighs. We cannot stress this enough. Think of it as blood sacrifice—you wouldn’t want to upset Poetry Golem, would you?7

Note: it is not the fault of the Poetry Golem that your poetry doesn’t remind editors of the dreck coming from MFA programs.8 Poetry Golem actually cares about the reader and should not be held responsible for lack of taste or the general ugliness of the poetry publishing business.9